Excuses

For the past three day I have been very sick and in bed. My life has been so busy lately and being sick and so weak not being able to get out of bed was a big deal. I am always working on something for the medical clinic or something for my moms company. I spend my free time with my family and all of the rest of the time working. I look forward to my hour workout at the gym because it is a hour of me time. 

These past three days though have been a eye opener. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and I am always more emotional when I am sick. So I also did a lot of over thinking. I decided since the year is coming to a close I wanted to write a letter to myself about the past year. I plan on sharing it here as soon as I have it done. As I have been writing I realize I have some of regrets about this year. 

This year has had a lot of big decisions. I have had plenty of small one to make too though. While the big decisions have been hard and lots of prayers and tears have gone into them I think I have struggled most with the little ones. The biggest decision I have made all year is selling my condo. It was a really hard choice to make and I went back and forth many times over what I should do. I am so glad that I eventually made the decision to sell. It was the right choice. 

Everyday we make choices though. I think it is these small everyday choices that shape our life more then the big ones do. Everyday I decide whether or not I want to go to the gym. I decide who I am going to hang out with. On Sundays I choose to go to church or not. I can either put my best foot forward or be a slacker. I decide who to let into my heart. I choose how to spend my free time. 

What I have realized about myself though is I find excuses to not make these small decisions.  I have a friend who I go to the gym with so I know I can't back out and have to go. I find excuses to stay home by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone but me.  On Sundays I have a calling and I know people are counting on me to be there. I value what other people think of me over what I think of myself. I don't open my heart up to anyone but my family because I am scared of being hurt. And I work a lot so I don't have down time that I need to choose how to spend. 

I have to make a decisions though. I am constantly finding excuses to not do things. I am scared of change. I am scared of being hurt.  I want to be strong all the time. I don't like feeling weak. I have a routine and I am afraid of doing anything different. I like control and when I make choices I feel like I lose some of my control because something bad could happen if I chose wrong. I think it is because so many things have been out of my control lately that I seek the constant routine. 

I am at a place in my life where I feel frozen and not sure what is

in store for me next. I do know I need to stop with the excuses and be strong because my excuses are hurting others around me. 

Today I hurt someone who was trying to help me. He was trying to be a force for good in my life and I wouldn't let him in. I am so mad at myself. I was scared of letting him help me because it would mean opening my heart and being vulnerable. Instead I made an excuse. A hurtful excuse. I said things I didn't mean. At the time I would have said anything to not be in the situation having to make a decision. Instead I lost a friend and a chance to have someone in my corner cheering me on. 

I am standing at the crossroads and I don't know where I want to go. I have a vague idea of what I want but I don't know how to find it. I am wandering and feel lost. But starting now I am stopping with the excuses. I am going stand tall and come what may. I will have bad days where I don't think I can get out of bed. Hopefully though most of the time I will feel empowered and ready to take on life. I will take chances and live with the outcome whether good or bad. I want to start living again instead of hiding. I am strong just sometimes I forget it. 

P.S.  

 Go Read

 Philippines 4:13

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Queen of Colors

       

    So I love the blog It Just Gets Stranger. I read it religiously ever since I discovered the Snuggie Texts blog posts. If you haven't read it and are in need of a good laugh go read this blog now! Eli McCann is quite entertaining and has lots of inside jokes with his readers. Something that Eli talks about a lot is the Queen of Colors. He actually mentions the Queen of Colors in the Snuggie Texts post. Basically the Queen of Colors is a evil chicken. You can read about this evil chicken here. 

    The Bloggess  also has a post that is quite humorous. It is about Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken. I love this post! It is a must read.     

This is Alley. She is my co-worker but also a really good friend. One day she said the phrase "I don't want no bunny banana frog ok no way!" Being a reader of Stranger I knew what she was talking about and we bonded over the Queen of Colors, The First Eye and Leotrix. We also bonded over Beyonce. 

She kept telling me for Christmas that she saw something in the store and immediately thought of me. I had no idea what it could be. She knew how much I love scarfs and jewelry so I assumed it was something like that. It wasn't. 

Alley bought me a Metal chicken. 

The Queen on Colors has been sitting on my desk at work for a while now. I keep looking over at my chicken sitting there quietly. It is freaking me out. Thanks Alley and once up the barrel, twice down the side. 

Of course I had to send a photo of the Queen of Colors to Eli. I explained how I came into possession of the metal chicken. He emailed me later that day. It said:

"You need a new job. Like, before Christmas."

Apparently I should be looking for a new job! Anyone know of a chicken free workplace? 

PS - If you don't read Eli's blog you really should. 

Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling. 

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 

One Direction

Please share this post on  Facebook, Twitter or on Pinterest if you know anyone who would benefit from reading. My purpose in writing is to inspire people and the only way I can do that is with your help by sharing my blog with others. 

Thank You for your Support!