I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

In the world today BEAUTY can mean so many things. The people we idolize are models and movie stars. We crush on the action movie stars. We follow fashion blogs and try to recreate outfits or hair styles we see in People magazine. 

My self image is something that I have always struggled with. Especially during high school I always felt like the ugly girl who you would just pass by in the hall. I remember many nights crying my self to sleep wishing that I would wake up and things would be different. I remember going on crazy diets to lose weight, coloring my hair because I thought brunettes were prettier and buying all the latest fashion trends so I could try to fit in.

 

My self worth was so small though some days I wouldn't even try. I would get out of bed throw my hair up in a bun and leave the house in sweats. It seemed so pointless to try and get ready when I knew it didn't matter. I felt like even if I did try it would never be good enough. I would never be as pretty as the popular girls. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Oregon I changed my opinion. Somehow living alone without my family I had to realize how much I was worth. I couldn't just lean on my family when I needed help. I grew up a lot when I was there. It was living in Oregon I learned I loved photography and that I was really good at it. I learned that to make friends you needed to be one. I made mistakes and learned a lot of lessons too. 

When I moved back to Utah I was much stronger. But I still was missing the key ingredient to BEAUTY. I met my future husband shortly after moving back home to Utah. I was instantly swept away in this boy. I couldn't believe this boy was dating me. All of the sudden what I thought of myself didn't matter. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED WAS WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME. I was shocked when he told me he loved me. I couldn't fathom it when he proposed. I couldn't believe I was feeling just a week before the wedding that I was making a huge mistake and that I should call off it off. All that mattered to me though is what people would think of me if I did.

I was so embarrassed to call off the wedding. I knew my parents had spent a lot of money. There was family coming in from out of state. I didn't want to be seen as weak so I let a boy talk me into the biggest decision you ever make because I was scared people would talk bad about me. I didn't want to have to explain why I wouldn't be getting married. So I went through with the wedding and told myself I was just having cold feet. 

At first married life was so fun. I loved having someone to come home to everyday. My favourite thing ever was waking up next to someone. I thought about the future daily and how our lives would change over the next few years. I was excited to see where we ended up together. MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HOW I FELT WHEN HIS ARMS WERE AROUND ME.  It didn't take long however to see that there were problems. 

At first our problems seemed small and then they grew bigger and bigger.  It got to the point where I hated myself. I HATED THE PERSON I HAD BECOME. I would hide my pain from my friends and family because I didn't want them to see how bad things were. Life seemed to be to much for me to handle. I was experiencing things I never thought I would. I felt hurt beyond belief and betrayed. And then my marriage was ending. 

As I was going through my divorce I felt BROKEN and USED. I thought no one would ever love me again since I had to carry around the baggage of my divorce now. Luckily my divorce took 6 months to finalize. During that time I was so frustrated it was taking so long but I look back now and I am grateful. I needed time to realize I could be strong on my own. I need time to pick up the pieces of myself and sew them back together. And the most beautiful thing happened. As I put myself back together I realized I was so much stronger then I thought. 

I knew I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be in a toxic relationship. I realized the only way to be free of the pain was to learn to love myself. I started to learn how it was to be alone. To not worry what others thought about me. 

I realized I was a beautiful person all along but because I didn't believe it no one else did.

 Here I am at 23 and my opinion on beauty has changed dramatically. I sometimes feel I am much older then 23. Five years ago I wouldn't have pictured myself where I am right now. I am so glad I am exactly where I am though. 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people who make my life so much better. My crazy life is one BEAUTIFUL mess and  I wouldn't change one second of it. 

BEAUTY isn't about the women walking on the red carpet. It isn't about owning the newest fade or how many friends you have on Facebook. BEAUTY is about something within yourself. It is knowing you have lots of flaws and knowing those flaws make you unique and one of a kind. Once you know how much your worth no one can change your mind. 

If your struggling with knowing how amazing you are, know that I have been in your shoes. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with myself. Loving yourself takes time and can be a journey. But it is a journey worth taking. Only after you discover how BEAUTIFUL you are will others be able to see it too. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

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I'll be fine. Just not today.

           

We all have days like this. 

And I had one recently.

     I tend to over analyze everything. I do it a lot. But tonight I am frustrated. Being divorced and starting to date again has been hard. I remember my first date after my divorce was final. I was so nervous. I was shaking in my boots. My mom was trying to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be okay. It worked and that date went fine. 

         

           That first date is a story for another day though. The only reason I mention it is just to show that I made it through that date. Since then dating has still been hard but it has gotten easier. I still get just as nervous every time. When a date is coming to pick me up for the 30 minutes before he is supposed to pick me up, you will find me pacing back and forth and checking the mirror a thousand times to make sure everything looks just right. Basically I have a mini panic attack. Totally embarrassing and I am glad no one has to see it but myself. 

          

         Now I have had some pretty amazing dates in the past few months. I also have had some horrible ones. One thing I can tell you for certain though is I have horrible taste in men. I go out with a lot of liars. Usually I don't find this out til the second or third date though. I think I am cursed. The only reason I bring up my "Curse" is because it struck again tonight. But for another reason. 

          This last date nothing went wrong but also nothing went right. And I know I won't be hearing from him again. I just  know and I hate it. That's why I am frustrated. This guy was so great. On our first date he was so sweet and he made me laugh. We were also was able to talk seriously about important things. Not to mention I found him very good looking. I left that date hoping he would ask me out again. He did and I was excited. 

          Soon we were going out for a second time. I tried not to get my hopes up for this one though being cursed as I am. Up until this point the "Curse" has struck multiple times. I am not joking. For some reason these guys I meet feel the need to lie about the silliest things or something else goes horribly wrong. The worst part is I still want them to call me. I want to believe that there was still a chance. Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional. 

         I promise the delusion is gone after this last date. This date was going great up until the last 5 minutes. I think the last 5 minutes define the date so I have been trying to pay closer attention to these last few minutes. The whole night he was being honest and sweet and I had no complaints. And nothing major happened tonight during those crucial last few moments. Nothing good. Nothing bad. But I knew he wasn't the guy for me. He said goodnight and I shut my door. And I cried. I wanted us to click so badly.

           I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. I hit my head against the cabinet and tears poured down my face. He did nothing to make me upset all night. It wasn't even his fault. He will probably never know what happened after he left. I felt really down about myself. And the reason I felt this way is simple. Because nothing bad happen. I wish he would have been a jerk and treated me poorly and then I could hate him and never think of him again. I figured there must be something wrong with me. This is how I was feeling as I sat on my kitchen floor weeping to myself. 

           I took a while but I got up off the floor and did what I always do when I am upset. I called my mom. I told her about the date and she listened. She told me I was over analyzing the situation and that I am gorgeous and that if he doesn't call me, he is the one missing out. 

      I cried a lot that night but I feel better.  I really want to remember the way I felt sitting on my kitchen floor that night though. I want to remember that moment because it has been a big part of my journey post divorce. The moment I realized this chapter of my life is going to be an adventure that some days I will not want to be on. I want to remember this because one day I am going to meet a guy who will never make me feel second rate. And everything will "click". Then what I felt then will have been justified. It will have been worth the crazy adventure because it led me to meeting "him". 

            So I'll be fine. Just not today. 

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Most Embarrassing......

         Wow! My last few posts have been very serious and borderline depressing. I promise I will try and shakes things up and keep it light hearted around here. Not all my posts are going to be about my journey through my divorce. Just some. And this isn't one of them. 

        Today I am sharing a story that happened long ago before I was married. It is a story I have grown to love! I consider it the most embarrassing moment of my life. Truly it has become a highlight of my time in Oregon. It is the story I share when I want to shock and wow. And I always have an answer when people ask what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I always get a great response after telling it. So for your enjoyment here is that story! 

         The year 2008. I am barely 18 and living in Oregon after graduating high school and being so mad at my parents I wanted to nothing to do with them. So I moved to out of the state. This hands down is one the greatest decisions I have ever made. Dying my hair brown however was one of the worst! 

          During the short time I lived there I met my best friends, grew up a lot and learned a lot of lessons. I do wish I was in more photos instead of the one behind it. You can ask all my friends, I was always the one taking photos. I do wish I had more pictures with me in them. 

         Moving to Oregon helped make me the person I am today. I have lots of amazing stories of my time there but this story is about a boy. A boy I had a huge crush on. And he kinda liked me back. I really don't know any other way to put it. We would hang out. He would make the long half an hour drive to see me at at night which none of my other friends would do. And he was really good at cuddling. We even kissed a few times. 

         It was very complicated though. I had never really been in a serious post-high-school relationship and I think I came on a little strong.  We weren't officially dating but I remember being with some friends and a random girl came up to me and asked if I was dating said boy. I had no idea how she knew that and I didn't know how to answer so I told her we were just hanging out a lot. 

         There is something you should know about me. When I fall I fall hard. And even though I had no idea what we were I was falling hard for him in a short period of time. Hey I was young so give me a break! And then the fateful night happened. The night that would become the most embarrassing moment of my life thus far. We were at a party which I was in charge of and had been running around like a crazy person organizing all night. I finally had a bit of down time so I went into the kitchen. My best friend Summer was in there along with about 20 other people. Now this was a small kitchen. If one person said something everyone could hear it. 

         And queue lover boy. I was so excited to see him. He came up and gave me a hug and said words no one wants to hear. "I think we need to have a talk." Of course the whole room got a bit less noisy   He then said the line that would become the highlight of many girls nights with my friends. "Taylor kissing you is awkward and uncomfortable. " And everyone heard him say this. Everyone. 

        I was shocked and didn't know what to say. He said a bunch of other stuff but I didn't process any of it. I just kept repeating that first line in my head. Awkward and uncomfortable. Me? I told him I understood and then said there was something I need to "check on" and left the room. I have great friends though. 4 of them pulled me into a empty room and let me cry on their shoulders for a hour. I was so embarrassed! I just was humiliated in a room FULL of my friends. They all heard the whole messy thing. 

        My eyes were red and puffy and then the door opened and guess who was on the other side. He asked if we could go for a drive and talk. I wanted answers so I said yes and followed him outside. We got in the car and he took my hand. I think we mainly drove in silence. He tired to explain what he was feeling. Sadly I knew I would never get over his words. The next Sunday at church everyone knew what had happened and I got asked about it a lot. I was pretty mortified. 

           Obviously things did not work out with him. But I want to thank him. I love this story. I laugh when I tell it and can't help but smile. It is so bad, it is good. All my friends know him by name and refer to this all the time. It has become a running joke. They tease me all the time about how awkward and uncomfortable I am. I often wonder if this boy knows I still talk about him and his epic one liner. Does he know that he is famous in my little circle of friends. I am sure he doesn't know I am writing a whole blog post about him!

           So if your reading this now and you are the boy who broke my young heart, congrats! And thanks for the laughs and shocked faces I get when I tell this story and for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable!  

It really is a great story.       




If you have a great embarrassing story please leave a comment below with your story! 

Please share this post on  Facebook, Twitter or on Pinterest if you know anyone who would benefit from reading. My purpose in writing is to inspire people and the only way I can do that is with your help by sharing my blog with others. 

Thank You for your Support!