Excuses

For the past three day I have been very sick and in bed. My life has been so busy lately and being sick and so weak not being able to get out of bed was a big deal. I am always working on something for the medical clinic or something for my moms company. I spend my free time with my family and all of the rest of the time working. I look forward to my hour workout at the gym because it is a hour of me time. 

These past three days though have been a eye opener. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and I am always more emotional when I am sick. So I also did a lot of over thinking. I decided since the year is coming to a close I wanted to write a letter to myself about the past year. I plan on sharing it here as soon as I have it done. As I have been writing I realize I have some of regrets about this year. 

This year has had a lot of big decisions. I have had plenty of small one to make too though. While the big decisions have been hard and lots of prayers and tears have gone into them I think I have struggled most with the little ones. The biggest decision I have made all year is selling my condo. It was a really hard choice to make and I went back and forth many times over what I should do. I am so glad that I eventually made the decision to sell. It was the right choice. 

Everyday we make choices though. I think it is these small everyday choices that shape our life more then the big ones do. Everyday I decide whether or not I want to go to the gym. I decide who I am going to hang out with. On Sundays I choose to go to church or not. I can either put my best foot forward or be a slacker. I decide who to let into my heart. I choose how to spend my free time. 

What I have realized about myself though is I find excuses to not make these small decisions.  I have a friend who I go to the gym with so I know I can't back out and have to go. I find excuses to stay home by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone but me.  On Sundays I have a calling and I know people are counting on me to be there. I value what other people think of me over what I think of myself. I don't open my heart up to anyone but my family because I am scared of being hurt. And I work a lot so I don't have down time that I need to choose how to spend. 

I have to make a decisions though. I am constantly finding excuses to not do things. I am scared of change. I am scared of being hurt.  I want to be strong all the time. I don't like feeling weak. I have a routine and I am afraid of doing anything different. I like control and when I make choices I feel like I lose some of my control because something bad could happen if I chose wrong. I think it is because so many things have been out of my control lately that I seek the constant routine. 

I am at a place in my life where I feel frozen and not sure what is

in store for me next. I do know I need to stop with the excuses and be strong because my excuses are hurting others around me. 

Today I hurt someone who was trying to help me. He was trying to be a force for good in my life and I wouldn't let him in. I am so mad at myself. I was scared of letting him help me because it would mean opening my heart and being vulnerable. Instead I made an excuse. A hurtful excuse. I said things I didn't mean. At the time I would have said anything to not be in the situation having to make a decision. Instead I lost a friend and a chance to have someone in my corner cheering me on. 

I am standing at the crossroads and I don't know where I want to go. I have a vague idea of what I want but I don't know how to find it. I am wandering and feel lost. But starting now I am stopping with the excuses. I am going stand tall and come what may. I will have bad days where I don't think I can get out of bed. Hopefully though most of the time I will feel empowered and ready to take on life. I will take chances and live with the outcome whether good or bad. I want to start living again instead of hiding. I am strong just sometimes I forget it. 

P.S.  

 Go Read

 Philippines 4:13

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Queen of Colors

       

    So I love the blog It Just Gets Stranger. I read it religiously ever since I discovered the Snuggie Texts blog posts. If you haven't read it and are in need of a good laugh go read this blog now! Eli McCann is quite entertaining and has lots of inside jokes with his readers. Something that Eli talks about a lot is the Queen of Colors. He actually mentions the Queen of Colors in the Snuggie Texts post. Basically the Queen of Colors is a evil chicken. You can read about this evil chicken here. 

    The Bloggess  also has a post that is quite humorous. It is about Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken. I love this post! It is a must read.     

This is Alley. She is my co-worker but also a really good friend. One day she said the phrase "I don't want no bunny banana frog ok no way!" Being a reader of Stranger I knew what she was talking about and we bonded over the Queen of Colors, The First Eye and Leotrix. We also bonded over Beyonce. 

She kept telling me for Christmas that she saw something in the store and immediately thought of me. I had no idea what it could be. She knew how much I love scarfs and jewelry so I assumed it was something like that. It wasn't. 

Alley bought me a Metal chicken. 

The Queen on Colors has been sitting on my desk at work for a while now. I keep looking over at my chicken sitting there quietly. It is freaking me out. Thanks Alley and once up the barrel, twice down the side. 

Of course I had to send a photo of the Queen of Colors to Eli. I explained how I came into possession of the metal chicken. He emailed me later that day. It said:

"You need a new job. Like, before Christmas."

Apparently I should be looking for a new job! Anyone know of a chicken free workplace? 

PS - If you don't read Eli's blog you really should. 

Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling. 

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 

One Direction

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Surrender

This Photo really is a great way to summarize my life right now. 

I am exhausted. 

        I have sat down to write multiple times lately and each time I did it ended up being about how I was upset or sad or tired I was. I kept writing about how frustrating things were. In the last month since I have written so much has happened. I put my condo on the market which was really bittersweet. My car broke down, I had some medical issues and was really sick , my job situation has been crazy and all of this on top of dealing with cancer in the family and other personal issues. Honestly it has gotten to the point where I cry a lot. I was mad that things kept happening one right after another. I asked "Why Me?" more times then I can count. 

      Finally one night I was home and really upset. I had been crying all night since something else had gone wrong earlier that day. Koda was on my lap and I had the TV on and I just felt more tired then I ever had before. My mom called me then. We talked for a bit and then she told me she felt like I need to write a blog post about being "Happy". I was upset she challenged me to write about being happy since it was quite obvious I was anything but happy. I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't think of what she thought I supposed to write about. Over the next few days I found myself finding times were I was happy however. Sometimes it was just for a minute or two but I found myself noticing them. Thanks Mom for the advice.

     So here I am taking her advice and sharing some of the things I have been happy about lately. 

       At the end of September I was able to go to Vegas with my mom to help her at an event she puts on every year. I have gone the past 6 years with her. It is held at a really nice hotel and we work a lot but I always look forward to spending the time with her. Plus I get to watch her in her element. Teaching and sharing her heart with the ladies who attend the event. By the way if I haven't said it lately let me say it again. Teresa Collins is a rock star and the greatest example to me. We were just talking about how it is freaky how similar we are. I love this woman like crazy! I am lucky she is my mom.

          A year ago at this event I met Alissa. In the past year Alissa has become a great friend to me. We talk a lot about everything from our struggles to our favorite tv shows, (Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, etc.), and so much more. She lives in Vegas and she actually flew to Utah and drove with me to Vegas in a cargo van with all of the product my mom was teaching with at the event in the back. It was a blast having her with me and much better then driving alone. I am so glad I got to spend some time with her! 

      I also got to go to the Imagine Dragons concert this past weekend. I love Imagine Dragons. I know every song and can sing them by heart. I have a friend who asked if they could set me up with someone they knew. He called me and asked if I liked Imagine Dragons and if I would want to go to the concert with him. I was pretty excited. I was even more excited when I found out we were sitting in the All Star Suite dead center at the concert! Seriously it was such a blast. I sang my heart out and had no voice for 2 days after. 

      Also something happened right before the concert that made me smile. I was at my moms house getting ready for the date and Zach was getting ready to leave to go to a friends house. As he was leaving I had just finished getting ready. He was walking out the door and turned back to me and said "Bye Tay. You look REALLY Beautiful." Seriously it made my heart melt! 

       Speaking of Zach, guess who turned 16! Happy Birthday Zach! He really is such a great kid. I was talking to him about starting to date and he told me how the most important thing to remember about dating is to not only respect the girl who you take out but also respect her parents. He says he always plans to make sure the girls parents know what they are doing and always get her home before her curfew. For being a teenage boy he really is so thoughtful and kind. 

      To end I want to share why I named this post "Surrender". 

I saw this photo collage of quotes and they all really spoke to me. 

I especially loved the one in the middle. 

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” - Sonia Ricotti

        I am holding up my white flag. I am surrendering to God's plan for my life even though I sometimes question him. I am going to let go of the things that are holding me down and look towards the future. I know I am going through these tough situations in my life for a reason. I feel like the saying "Kick' em while they are down." applies to my life right now but I am going to stop dwelling on the bad and start making an effort to look for the little thing in my life that make me happy.

       I am now going to challenge anyone who reads this to do the same thing that my mom challenged me to do. Write down what makes you happy. Put in on your blog or in your journal. Hang it on your fridge or your bathroom mirror. It is so easy to only see the bad things in our lives. It really take effort to stop and pick out the moments in our daily life that make it worth staying strong. If you do end up posting about your happy moments please let me know. I would love to read what things make others happy.

 

I end with another quote off that photo. This is how I plan to stay strong. 

"Come what may and love it."

- Joseph B Wirthlin 

Bonus Dad

I am a lucky girl. Look at my amazing family. 

This is my Dad's side. 

The Pier Family. Shane and Ryan not in photo.

And this is the most recent Collins family photo. 

Everyone except for Seth. 

       As a child of divorce I have been blessed with two families. My parents divorced when I was 6 and both were remarried by the time I was 9. I grew up with two moms and two dads and lots of siblings. We don't use the word "Step" in describing who they are in my life. We use the term "Bonus". I have a bonus mom and a bonus dad and love them just like you would a biological parent. I love all my siblings as if we were full blood. I couldn't imagine my family any other way at this point. 

         So when I told someone about Tyler having cancer and they asked me why I cared so much since he was "just my step dad" I was shocked. I feel everything has been a shock lately.  You really never think it is going to happen to you or someone in your family and then it does. The past few weeks have been such a blur. It feels like time has stopped and at the same time it is moving in fast motion. From the moment Tyler's cancer was diagnosed it has felt like this. 

       When my parents divorced and my mom married Tyler I had two dads. Tyler has been to all my birthday parties, he would "interview" boys when they would pick me up for dates and truly loved me and my sisters like his own. Just like any other parent he sometimes got on my nerves and pushed my buttons. Overall he has been a great role model for me and been a support throughout my entire life. I truly love him with all my heart. 

      Finding out he had cancer was horrible. Many tears have been shed and a lot of prayers have been said. It has been horrible to watch someone I love be in so much pain and  unable to do anything about it. If you would like the whole medical side of this story my mom has shared it on her blog. She truly has been the rock of our family lately. What you won't read on her blog is that sometimes she calls me at four at the morning when she can't sleep crying. She stays so strong for our family and so she can run her company that when it is late at night and she has run out of things to keep her mind busy that she lets herself not be strong for a little while. She is such a great example to me and I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch her husband be in so much pain. 

         Mom and Tyler have been married for 17 years. During their marriage Tyler has also been so supportive of my mom. My mom has never had to mow the lawn or fill her car up with gas or other small things. Tyler is always trying to take care of her. He has missed an anniversary or two but I can see the love they have for each other. They write each other little notes and leave them on the bathroom mirror before they go to work just to say I love you. I have been able to watch the roles reverse between these two the past few weeks with my mom taking care of Tyler. I have loved watching them lean on each others for support during this hard time. 

      Not only is Tyler my Bonus Dad but I also get to work with him. He is a podiatrist and I am the office manger for his clinic. Now working him has been great sometimes and also not much fun at others. It can be hard working for him because he is my dad. Most of the time it was just like any other job. I have worked for him for 3 and half years. During that time I have only gotten closer to him. There has been multiple times when I was having a bad day and he helped me through it with a kind word or hug. It has truly made us grow closer too. 

      An amazing thing I been able to witness because of working with him is how much he loves his job and how much his patients love him. He has hated that he hasn't been able to see his patients. He knows his patients very well. He knows about their families and jobs. He asks about how their vacations went or how the tomatoes are growing in their gardens. He treats them medically but also considers them friends. 

        One the hardest things for me has been having to reschedule or cancel his patients appointments because of a chemo treatment or he was just to sick to come in. It has also been a blessing in disguise. Every time I had to call and let a someone know about Tyler's cancer I have heard wonderful things. Many patients have cried on the phone with me expressing love and friendship for Ty. It has been amazing to know that so many people care for him and are praying for his recovery along with our family. 

     I was at my parents home a few weeks ago and it had been an emotional day for our family. I had never seen Tyler cry growing up. The first time I ever did was after his cancer was diagnosed. Since then I have seen it many times. And my heart breaks every time. This day he was crying after being given a blessing of healing. He was giving each member of the family a hug and telling us how much he loved us. When he hugged me there were already tears rolling down my face and his. He said to me "Here is my best friend. I spend more time with you because of work then I do with anyone else. I love you so much Tay." It is a memory I will forever cherish and describes our relationship perfectly. 

         

         This man is a great father, husband and grandpa. He loves spending time with the grandbabies and playing on the floor with them. Even after he was diagnosed and was in so much pain he was taking my brothers fishing and going to baseball games. He is such a fighter. He has only had his first round of Chemo and got a mean infection  a few days after that caused him to be hospitalized for 5 days. I was able to go up and visit him the day after he had  the hospital staff shave his head. He looked so handsome even with no hair. 

       I know our family is going to have a long journey ahead of us but we are so close and I know that we will stick together. We will come out stronger because of this trail. We have amazing friends who are giving us much love and support. There hasn't been one day since we told our ward at church about Tyler's illness that someone hasn't reached out to lend a helping hand. We truly have an amazing support system. 

      I don't want anyone to doubt my love for Tyler just because he is my "stepdad". He is more then that. I am grateful for his love and his support of me. I am cheering him on everyday and praying for him constantly. He is an amazing man and is going to fight this cancer with all he has! I am proud to be his bonus daughter. 

Just Divorced

      

       Today has been a strange day. I had to met with my ex so he could sign some paperwork for me. I thought it would be a quick meeting, some papers would be signed and then we would go on with our day. I really wasn't worried about seeing him and didn't think it would be a big deal. We met and I asked how his family was and he asked about mine. And we ended catching up for a bit. 

       I noticed we had been talking a while and he all the sudden seemed a bit nervous. I could tell there was something he needed to get off his chest. "So I have read your blog." It had never crossed my mind that he would read it. I should have because you know gossip travels like lighting. He expressed to me his thoughts on it and his families thoughts. The thing he asked is why now. Why was I making all my thoughts and feeling public now. I didn't do a great job of explaining this when I started this so I will explain now. 

        The past year I have kept many journals. Whenever I couldn't handle something I would write about it. If I have learned anything in the past year it is that my divorce is my baggage that I will always carry with me. My divorce has effected most decisions I have made. And I wrote my thoughts and feelings down the whole time. So most of the posts are journal entries that I have adapted. I choose to share it now because it has been a year and I felt like enough time had past and I was ready to share my experiences. I was hoping people who were judgmental towards me might better understand better. 

       We ended up talking for quite a while. He told me how he found out through the grape vine about my blog and how when he first read it that he was upset that I was bringing up old history. I understood completely where he was coming from and we talked about it. I just want to clarify again why I write. I write because I felt so alone at times I would have loved to hear someone else's story. I write because it is very therapeutic to me. Not all my posts are going to be about divorce but my divorce is apart of me so I will continue to write about it.  

Mainly this is why I write: 

This is why I write and I am not stopping anytime soon.






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Dear 3 am.....

Dear 3 am, we have got to stop meeting this way!

         Don't you hate when your trying to sleep and your brain won't stop talking to you. Seems like more and more lately my brain is like "One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Old McDonald had a farm, Heeeey Mararena!" (Thanks Pintrest for the funny quote!) I will be laying in bed ready to go to sleep and BANG an idea hits me. I start to write and before I know it is 3 am and another blog post is written. 

       I will say this though, I write much better during these late hour nights. I think when I haven't had a lot of asleep I am more honest in my writing. I really liked this quote I found by Catherine O'Hara.

When the whole world is asleep and it is just me and my computer I get to tell my story. I love my sleep but I enjoy the moments when I get to share what I have been feeling in my heart.

I really want to take the time to thank everyone who has been reading. I have received many emails and messages filled with love and support. 

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Lessons Learned..... Part Two

    Before you read this post I would suggest reading Part One. Yesterday I shared the lessons learned from my divorce. Today I am going to share the things I have learned about marriage. 

Lessons Learned about Marriage

    Before I get into the list I just want to say I am not an expert. Obviously my marriage didn't work out. You might disagree with some of this and that is okay. This is what I have found to be true in my life. 

1. Choosing who you marry is the most important decisions you will ever make. The person you marry is going to be by your side for the next 50 years. They are going to be there for the highs and lows in your life. You need to be able to trust this person with your whole heart. 

2. Marriage is hard work. I don't know how many people told me before I got married that marriage was hard but I still didn't believe them! Boy did I learn fast. Marriage is the toughest job you will ever have.  

3. One of the most important things you can do in a marriage is pray together. Praying together will not only bring you closer to your spouses but also invite God into your marriage. Marriage is an eternal blessing so with gods help you get get through the tougher parts of life. 

4. Most fights are stupid. I think when you fight with your spouse a lot of the time you are fighting over the little things. I was told once that arguments are like a fire. You are constantly trying to put out the smoke instead of dealing with the fire itself. 

4.The most important phrase in marriage is I Love You. You can never ever in a million years say this to many times. 

5. The second most important phrase in marriage is I am Sorry. And sometimes saying sorry when you don't think you did anything wrong. Whether your right or wrong saying sorry is important. 

6. Money causes a lot of fights. Whether you have a little or a lot money will cause fights. Being financially stable is a good thing but it is silly to argue over money. 

7. Date nights, deep conversations, and taking trips together will make you closer. You need to get off the couch and out of the house sometimes. Don't become the couple that never leaves the house and is constantly in front of the TV or computer. Take time and spend it with each other having fun. 

8. Communication is key. If your not talking your not growing together. Even the little stuff is important like asking how your spouses day went. If you can't talk about the small things how will you be able to talk about the big things.

9. Do not let anger dominate your relationship. Anger causes problems. You need to let go of the anger and learn to forgive. If your holding a grudge or are angry over something that happened in the past you won't be able to move forward in your marriage. 

10. It's worth it. Being married to your best friend is worth it. Even when your fighting amd really don't like each other, you will still love each other. At the end of the day you have each other by your side always. Marriage is a beautiful thing. 

       I look forward to the day when I will fight with my hubby over the dishes in the sink and how he won't put the lid on the tooth paste. I am excited for the long nights just talking and  laughing. I can't wait to start a family and enjoy our happily ever after together. I view dating  so much differently then before my first marriage. I am looking for a partner. Someone who is going to make my burdens lighter so I can do the same for him. We will be equal in all aspects of our marriage. I am grateful for the lessons I learned being married and that I can take those into my next one whenever that may be. 

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Lessons Learned...... Part One

         I was speaking with someone about my divorce recently and he asked me what I had learned from my divorce. This question sparked a lot of emotions in me. I have thought about this before but had never sat down and listed the things I have learned. As I started doing just that I realized what he asked was really a two part question. This is how I broke it down:

1- What lessons have I learned from my divorce?

and 

2 - What lessons have I learned about marriage?

   

So today I am going to start with part one of the question. 

Lessons Learned from my Divorce

1. Being lonely is better then being miserable together. I had many times in my marriage I just felt so miserable. Even though being lonely is horrible it is better then feeling hopeless in my marriage. 

2. Today's test is tomorrows testimony. I truly feel I had learned so much from the past years experiences and am grateful for the things I have learned. 

3. Everyone has pain in their lives. I'd rather inspire others then dwell on my own pain. Especially though this blog and all the wonderful emails I have received of people sharing their stories  with me. There are so many are in need of love and support. I am so humbled that so many people are able to relate to my experiences and understand the pain I went through. 

4. Divorce gave me the motivation for personal growth and change in my own life. My divorce really made me take a look at my own life and see what need to change and be fixed. I feel like I am a different person today then 12 months ago. Personally I am proud of myself and the changes I have made. 

5. Just because I asked for the divorce didn't make it easier. People ask me all the time why the divorce was so hard even though I was the one who eventually asked for the divorce. I never wanted a divorce and unless you have been through one do you know how hard it is. 

6. Gratitude. I really learned about gratitude. I am so thankful for everything that has been given to me. I truly see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life everyday.

7.Who really care about me. It was amazing to see the people who stepped up to help me when I was going through this trial. I am was also shocked to see people who I thought were my friends disappear. 

8.  Not to care what people think. I was really concerned about what people would think of me. I married at the young age of 19 and then divorced three years later. At one point I had to stop worry about other people and just worry about me and what was best for my life. I was judged by a lot for my decisions but it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is how I feel about it. 

9. Self Worth. I can't put into words how low I felt about myself. Someone said to me at one point that it was too bad that I was "Used Goods" now. I was so hurt. I felt like dirt. It took time but I know I am worth a whole lot more then just dirt. 

10. I am stronger then I thought possible. I am grateful for this challenge in my life. I am much happier then ever before. I am a strong woman and I know how to stand on my own two feet. I feel like I can take anything on. I know I will have other trials in my life but I know I can make it though anything. 

Tomorrow look for Part Two:

Lessons Learned about Marriage

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