It Was Mom

Two years ago on May 10, 2012 I wrote a blog post about my mom. With Mother's Day coming up I went back and found the post so I could reread it. As I was reading I decided I wanted to share part of it again. I shared 10 things I gotten or learned from my mom. 

1. I got her soft heart. I may seem tough on the outside but you could say something to me joking and I would leave and cry for hours over what was said and you would never know.

2. I got my tear ducts from her. We cry all the time and over really silly things. TV Shows, books, movies. We are also copycat criers. If we see someone crying we tend to start tearing up too.

3. We both hate confrontation. We are people pleasers. I hate saying no and hate standing up to people and telling them what I really feel.

4. She is really creative. I am not nearly as creative as her but luckily some of it has rubbed off on me. 

5. Thinkers. We are thinkers which can sometimes be a bad thing. We tend to over think things and over analyse. 

6. Kindness. I am really proud of my mom in this aspect. It is amazing to me she can be so kind to someone who has done wrong to her. I am still working on this but hope to be as forgiving and kind as her but think I do pretty well.

7. Thank goodness I got her drive. Nothing can stop the two of us when we get our heart into something. 

8. I got my moms temper. I remember when I was little when my mom would get mad and I said I would never act like that. I so do though. Because we think so much alike when we get mad, you know it. The few fights we have been in with each other were not pretty. 

9. Courage. Even though I hate confrontation she taught me to have courage to stand up for what I believe in. Courage to be anything I want. Courage to try new things. Courage to become the best me possible. Courage to step off my given road and explore what else I can do. 

10. I got something I like to call Mama Bear Syndrome from her. Typically this syndrome is a parent protecting their children. However with me and my mom we need to protect everyone we see. It is funny actually since we hate confrontation but if we see anyone hurt we quickly stand up for them. 

Love you tons and glad your my best friend.

As I was reading I wanted to pull my hair out at the bad writing and horrible grammar but I love that I still have this. I have learned so much in the past 2 years since I wrote this. I have learned my mom is super woman. As my bonus dad has been going through chemo and the bone marrow transplant she not only has she been taking care of the family but also running a very successful company. She is always doing something. Whether it is cleaning the house or at a business meeting or watching my brother play baseball or traveling all over the world, her number one priority is our family. I talk to my mom at least once day. Usually it is a lot more then just once. When she is out of the country and not just a phone call away I miss her so much.  

I wish you could all she her the way I do. When I look at her I see a beautiful woman who is my rock. She supported me when I made the decision to end my marriage. She cried with me when Koda died. She told me I was wrong when I needed to hear it. She loved me when I needed her most. She was the first person I wanted to talk to when I fell in love for the first time since my divorce. I don't know how she finds the time to do everything she needs to but she does. She balances work and our family perfectly. We are so lucky to have her. 

I also wanted to share something I wrote about 10 months ago. I was at work and had been staring at a computer screen for a few hours and was going a bit stir crazy. I wrote out a list of "Why My Mom is Better then Yours" and sent it to her. I had no idea it would end up loving it as much as she did. 

I am so lucky to have her in my life. Right now my family has just learned that the cancer my bonus dad has been fighting since August of last year is still in his system. That means more chemo and another bone marrow transplant. It is so scary to know that he is back at square one and starting the treatment process all over. The past week has been so emotional. From just him finding a lump on his neck to the doctors telling us the cancer was definitely there. 

I called my mom after we knew what was going on and we cried together. We talked about moving forward with faith and hope. I want to add one more thing to the list of things I have learned from my mom today with this in mind. There are many things my mom teaches me on a daily basis but the one I am grateful for right now is the gift of hope. Through all of this she has had hope and that hope has spread to me and my siblings. We are in a consent state of confusion and worrying about what the future holds and she is been holding our family together with this simple blessing of hope.

Thank you mom for everything you do for our family. You are so strong and I know I am so lucky to call you mom. Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader. Thank you for telling me when I am being a idiot. Thanks for putting up with the constant phone calls. Most importantly thank you for raising me to be a strong Christian. Without the knowledge and hope that comes from the Church I believe my attitude towards life and hardships would be very different. Thank you for teaching me wrong from right and then trusting me enough to let me make my own choices. It was my mom who made me who I am today. I love you more then anything you can say, think or feel. 

This is video entitled "It Was Mom" is a little tribute to all the mothers out there especially the ones in my life. 

Happy Mothers Day!

#itwasmom

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Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling. 

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 

One Direction

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Bonus Dad

I am a lucky girl. Look at my amazing family. 

This is my Dad's side. 

The Pier Family. Shane and Ryan not in photo.

And this is the most recent Collins family photo. 

Everyone except for Seth. 

       As a child of divorce I have been blessed with two families. My parents divorced when I was 6 and both were remarried by the time I was 9. I grew up with two moms and two dads and lots of siblings. We don't use the word "Step" in describing who they are in my life. We use the term "Bonus". I have a bonus mom and a bonus dad and love them just like you would a biological parent. I love all my siblings as if we were full blood. I couldn't imagine my family any other way at this point. 

         So when I told someone about Tyler having cancer and they asked me why I cared so much since he was "just my step dad" I was shocked. I feel everything has been a shock lately.  You really never think it is going to happen to you or someone in your family and then it does. The past few weeks have been such a blur. It feels like time has stopped and at the same time it is moving in fast motion. From the moment Tyler's cancer was diagnosed it has felt like this. 

       When my parents divorced and my mom married Tyler I had two dads. Tyler has been to all my birthday parties, he would "interview" boys when they would pick me up for dates and truly loved me and my sisters like his own. Just like any other parent he sometimes got on my nerves and pushed my buttons. Overall he has been a great role model for me and been a support throughout my entire life. I truly love him with all my heart. 

      Finding out he had cancer was horrible. Many tears have been shed and a lot of prayers have been said. It has been horrible to watch someone I love be in so much pain and  unable to do anything about it. If you would like the whole medical side of this story my mom has shared it on her blog. She truly has been the rock of our family lately. What you won't read on her blog is that sometimes she calls me at four at the morning when she can't sleep crying. She stays so strong for our family and so she can run her company that when it is late at night and she has run out of things to keep her mind busy that she lets herself not be strong for a little while. She is such a great example to me and I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch her husband be in so much pain. 

         Mom and Tyler have been married for 17 years. During their marriage Tyler has also been so supportive of my mom. My mom has never had to mow the lawn or fill her car up with gas or other small things. Tyler is always trying to take care of her. He has missed an anniversary or two but I can see the love they have for each other. They write each other little notes and leave them on the bathroom mirror before they go to work just to say I love you. I have been able to watch the roles reverse between these two the past few weeks with my mom taking care of Tyler. I have loved watching them lean on each others for support during this hard time. 

      Not only is Tyler my Bonus Dad but I also get to work with him. He is a podiatrist and I am the office manger for his clinic. Now working him has been great sometimes and also not much fun at others. It can be hard working for him because he is my dad. Most of the time it was just like any other job. I have worked for him for 3 and half years. During that time I have only gotten closer to him. There has been multiple times when I was having a bad day and he helped me through it with a kind word or hug. It has truly made us grow closer too. 

      An amazing thing I been able to witness because of working with him is how much he loves his job and how much his patients love him. He has hated that he hasn't been able to see his patients. He knows his patients very well. He knows about their families and jobs. He asks about how their vacations went or how the tomatoes are growing in their gardens. He treats them medically but also considers them friends. 

        One the hardest things for me has been having to reschedule or cancel his patients appointments because of a chemo treatment or he was just to sick to come in. It has also been a blessing in disguise. Every time I had to call and let a someone know about Tyler's cancer I have heard wonderful things. Many patients have cried on the phone with me expressing love and friendship for Ty. It has been amazing to know that so many people care for him and are praying for his recovery along with our family. 

     I was at my parents home a few weeks ago and it had been an emotional day for our family. I had never seen Tyler cry growing up. The first time I ever did was after his cancer was diagnosed. Since then I have seen it many times. And my heart breaks every time. This day he was crying after being given a blessing of healing. He was giving each member of the family a hug and telling us how much he loved us. When he hugged me there were already tears rolling down my face and his. He said to me "Here is my best friend. I spend more time with you because of work then I do with anyone else. I love you so much Tay." It is a memory I will forever cherish and describes our relationship perfectly. 

         

         This man is a great father, husband and grandpa. He loves spending time with the grandbabies and playing on the floor with them. Even after he was diagnosed and was in so much pain he was taking my brothers fishing and going to baseball games. He is such a fighter. He has only had his first round of Chemo and got a mean infection  a few days after that caused him to be hospitalized for 5 days. I was able to go up and visit him the day after he had  the hospital staff shave his head. He looked so handsome even with no hair. 

       I know our family is going to have a long journey ahead of us but we are so close and I know that we will stick together. We will come out stronger because of this trail. We have amazing friends who are giving us much love and support. There hasn't been one day since we told our ward at church about Tyler's illness that someone hasn't reached out to lend a helping hand. We truly have an amazing support system. 

      I don't want anyone to doubt my love for Tyler just because he is my "stepdad". He is more then that. I am grateful for his love and his support of me. I am cheering him on everyday and praying for him constantly. He is an amazing man and is going to fight this cancer with all he has! I am proud to be his bonus daughter.