I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

In the world today BEAUTY can mean so many things. The people we idolize are models and movie stars. We crush on the action movie stars. We follow fashion blogs and try to recreate outfits or hair styles we see in People magazine. 

My self image is something that I have always struggled with. Especially during high school I always felt like the ugly girl who you would just pass by in the hall. I remember many nights crying my self to sleep wishing that I would wake up and things would be different. I remember going on crazy diets to lose weight, coloring my hair because I thought brunettes were prettier and buying all the latest fashion trends so I could try to fit in.

 

My self worth was so small though some days I wouldn't even try. I would get out of bed throw my hair up in a bun and leave the house in sweats. It seemed so pointless to try and get ready when I knew it didn't matter. I felt like even if I did try it would never be good enough. I would never be as pretty as the popular girls. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Oregon I changed my opinion. Somehow living alone without my family I had to realize how much I was worth. I couldn't just lean on my family when I needed help. I grew up a lot when I was there. It was living in Oregon I learned I loved photography and that I was really good at it. I learned that to make friends you needed to be one. I made mistakes and learned a lot of lessons too. 

When I moved back to Utah I was much stronger. But I still was missing the key ingredient to BEAUTY. I met my future husband shortly after moving back home to Utah. I was instantly swept away in this boy. I couldn't believe this boy was dating me. All of the sudden what I thought of myself didn't matter. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED WAS WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME. I was shocked when he told me he loved me. I couldn't fathom it when he proposed. I couldn't believe I was feeling just a week before the wedding that I was making a huge mistake and that I should call off it off. All that mattered to me though is what people would think of me if I did.

I was so embarrassed to call off the wedding. I knew my parents had spent a lot of money. There was family coming in from out of state. I didn't want to be seen as weak so I let a boy talk me into the biggest decision you ever make because I was scared people would talk bad about me. I didn't want to have to explain why I wouldn't be getting married. So I went through with the wedding and told myself I was just having cold feet. 

At first married life was so fun. I loved having someone to come home to everyday. My favourite thing ever was waking up next to someone. I thought about the future daily and how our lives would change over the next few years. I was excited to see where we ended up together. MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HOW I FELT WHEN HIS ARMS WERE AROUND ME.  It didn't take long however to see that there were problems. 

At first our problems seemed small and then they grew bigger and bigger.  It got to the point where I hated myself. I HATED THE PERSON I HAD BECOME. I would hide my pain from my friends and family because I didn't want them to see how bad things were. Life seemed to be to much for me to handle. I was experiencing things I never thought I would. I felt hurt beyond belief and betrayed. And then my marriage was ending. 

As I was going through my divorce I felt BROKEN and USED. I thought no one would ever love me again since I had to carry around the baggage of my divorce now. Luckily my divorce took 6 months to finalize. During that time I was so frustrated it was taking so long but I look back now and I am grateful. I needed time to realize I could be strong on my own. I need time to pick up the pieces of myself and sew them back together. And the most beautiful thing happened. As I put myself back together I realized I was so much stronger then I thought. 

I knew I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be in a toxic relationship. I realized the only way to be free of the pain was to learn to love myself. I started to learn how it was to be alone. To not worry what others thought about me. 

I realized I was a beautiful person all along but because I didn't believe it no one else did.

 Here I am at 23 and my opinion on beauty has changed dramatically. I sometimes feel I am much older then 23. Five years ago I wouldn't have pictured myself where I am right now. I am so glad I am exactly where I am though. 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people who make my life so much better. My crazy life is one BEAUTIFUL mess and  I wouldn't change one second of it. 

BEAUTY isn't about the women walking on the red carpet. It isn't about owning the newest fade or how many friends you have on Facebook. BEAUTY is about something within yourself. It is knowing you have lots of flaws and knowing those flaws make you unique and one of a kind. Once you know how much your worth no one can change your mind. 

If your struggling with knowing how amazing you are, know that I have been in your shoes. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with myself. Loving yourself takes time and can be a journey. But it is a journey worth taking. Only after you discover how BEAUTIFUL you are will others be able to see it too. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

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Lessons Learned..... Part Two

    Before you read this post I would suggest reading Part One. Yesterday I shared the lessons learned from my divorce. Today I am going to share the things I have learned about marriage. 

Lessons Learned about Marriage

    Before I get into the list I just want to say I am not an expert. Obviously my marriage didn't work out. You might disagree with some of this and that is okay. This is what I have found to be true in my life. 

1. Choosing who you marry is the most important decisions you will ever make. The person you marry is going to be by your side for the next 50 years. They are going to be there for the highs and lows in your life. You need to be able to trust this person with your whole heart. 

2. Marriage is hard work. I don't know how many people told me before I got married that marriage was hard but I still didn't believe them! Boy did I learn fast. Marriage is the toughest job you will ever have.  

3. One of the most important things you can do in a marriage is pray together. Praying together will not only bring you closer to your spouses but also invite God into your marriage. Marriage is an eternal blessing so with gods help you get get through the tougher parts of life. 

4. Most fights are stupid. I think when you fight with your spouse a lot of the time you are fighting over the little things. I was told once that arguments are like a fire. You are constantly trying to put out the smoke instead of dealing with the fire itself. 

4.The most important phrase in marriage is I Love You. You can never ever in a million years say this to many times. 

5. The second most important phrase in marriage is I am Sorry. And sometimes saying sorry when you don't think you did anything wrong. Whether your right or wrong saying sorry is important. 

6. Money causes a lot of fights. Whether you have a little or a lot money will cause fights. Being financially stable is a good thing but it is silly to argue over money. 

7. Date nights, deep conversations, and taking trips together will make you closer. You need to get off the couch and out of the house sometimes. Don't become the couple that never leaves the house and is constantly in front of the TV or computer. Take time and spend it with each other having fun. 

8. Communication is key. If your not talking your not growing together. Even the little stuff is important like asking how your spouses day went. If you can't talk about the small things how will you be able to talk about the big things.

9. Do not let anger dominate your relationship. Anger causes problems. You need to let go of the anger and learn to forgive. If your holding a grudge or are angry over something that happened in the past you won't be able to move forward in your marriage. 

10. It's worth it. Being married to your best friend is worth it. Even when your fighting amd really don't like each other, you will still love each other. At the end of the day you have each other by your side always. Marriage is a beautiful thing. 

       I look forward to the day when I will fight with my hubby over the dishes in the sink and how he won't put the lid on the tooth paste. I am excited for the long nights just talking and  laughing. I can't wait to start a family and enjoy our happily ever after together. I view dating  so much differently then before my first marriage. I am looking for a partner. Someone who is going to make my burdens lighter so I can do the same for him. We will be equal in all aspects of our marriage. I am grateful for the lessons I learned being married and that I can take those into my next one whenever that may be. 

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