Thursday, December 26, 2013

Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 
One Direction

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  1. So happy to see new pictures of you and seeing that you are feeling much better.
    Teresa Wilkins

  2. I love you so much Taylor. I feel your heart in every post. xoxo mom

  3. Taylor, you have touched my heart in many ways. I told your mom in one of her posts that I was worried about you. I am so glad you came on here and wrote. If you want to write to me or call me I will be here for you. I have met you at CHA. Gone thru cancer myself, struggle with husband and kids. Taylor you are an angel and if you need anything please get ahold of me please please. Your mom knows who I am, XOXO

  4. I am crying as i am trying to write this. I am so sorry for all you and your family has been through and on top of it the loss of your little furbaby breaks my heart. Prayers to you and your family.
    Deb C

  5. You have that gift to share from the heart allowing whatever you are going thru to bless, inspire and encourage others.... Just like your mom

    I'm so sorry that you lost your sweet pup. Fur babies are totally family and I know that is so hard on top of everything that's been thrown at you lately.

    Dramatic change in life is filled with struggles, uncertainty, and pain. Take time to rest, regroup, & pray. You are like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting to grow wings & fly on the next new adventure in your life. It takes time & this stage can't be rushed. Be a friend to yourself - not being to hard or critical of yourself just like you would treat a good friend with kindness and understanding allow yourself to heal.

    I wasn't able to go on the cruise with the rest of my EMI friends due to lots of health issues. It really bummed me out & I got really upset with myself mostly. It's really hard to deal with life sometimes but God is faithful & if He brings you do it He will bring you thru it. Your mom is a great example of that & you have her strength.

    I know you will soar in this next chapter of life & that God will bless you.... it just takes time & grace

  6. I know we talked a lot of struggles on our drive to Vegas last September. And you said I had been tried a few times more than most. Who knew you were also on the same type of path. Seem's like the best people always are. Sharing your struggles is one of the hardest things to do, and one of the best for you. I tried to keep Sawyers diagnoses to myself for so long and it ate me alive. When I let it out, I had so many people reach out, like you have. Its such a comfort and I am glad you are feeling so strong to share these stories. And one day you will look back on these posts and be so grateful to have proof of what you have overcome. Life isnt always peachy keen, but you'll make it through this. One of my favorite quotes applies pretty nicely. "Share Joy is a doubled joy, shared sorrow is half a sorrow." Its great to share the happy in blogging, but by also sharing the struggle you are released of its power over you.

    Keep your chin up. And your beautiful smile.
    Hope I get to sneak a visit and a hug in soon!

    {ps. I read this as I was watching the DW Christmas Special for the second time tonight and I am a blubbery mess, so my comment might be all over the place. In short. I love you and I know you are a beautiful strong woman who can make it through anything. Even though I wish you didnt have to. Hugs. -a}