Story of My Life by One Direction
I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:
"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."
If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.
I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me.
Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself. Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling.
I have been struggling a lot.
I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer.
Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart.
Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home.
Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with.
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help.
I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months.
Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again.
I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.
Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart.
I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling.
So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.
Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking.
Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.
Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.
I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then actual work and we had such a blast.
I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful!
Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together.
We also saw Santa Claus and an elf.
Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better.
I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas.
We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries.
"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."
- Story of My Life
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