I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

In the world today BEAUTY can mean so many things. The people we idolize are models and movie stars. We crush on the action movie stars. We follow fashion blogs and try to recreate outfits or hair styles we see in People magazine. 

My self image is something that I have always struggled with. Especially during high school I always felt like the ugly girl who you would just pass by in the hall. I remember many nights crying my self to sleep wishing that I would wake up and things would be different. I remember going on crazy diets to lose weight, coloring my hair because I thought brunettes were prettier and buying all the latest fashion trends so I could try to fit in.

 

My self worth was so small though some days I wouldn't even try. I would get out of bed throw my hair up in a bun and leave the house in sweats. It seemed so pointless to try and get ready when I knew it didn't matter. I felt like even if I did try it would never be good enough. I would never be as pretty as the popular girls. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Oregon I changed my opinion. Somehow living alone without my family I had to realize how much I was worth. I couldn't just lean on my family when I needed help. I grew up a lot when I was there. It was living in Oregon I learned I loved photography and that I was really good at it. I learned that to make friends you needed to be one. I made mistakes and learned a lot of lessons too. 

When I moved back to Utah I was much stronger. But I still was missing the key ingredient to BEAUTY. I met my future husband shortly after moving back home to Utah. I was instantly swept away in this boy. I couldn't believe this boy was dating me. All of the sudden what I thought of myself didn't matter. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED WAS WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME. I was shocked when he told me he loved me. I couldn't fathom it when he proposed. I couldn't believe I was feeling just a week before the wedding that I was making a huge mistake and that I should call off it off. All that mattered to me though is what people would think of me if I did.

I was so embarrassed to call off the wedding. I knew my parents had spent a lot of money. There was family coming in from out of state. I didn't want to be seen as weak so I let a boy talk me into the biggest decision you ever make because I was scared people would talk bad about me. I didn't want to have to explain why I wouldn't be getting married. So I went through with the wedding and told myself I was just having cold feet. 

At first married life was so fun. I loved having someone to come home to everyday. My favourite thing ever was waking up next to someone. I thought about the future daily and how our lives would change over the next few years. I was excited to see where we ended up together. MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HOW I FELT WHEN HIS ARMS WERE AROUND ME.  It didn't take long however to see that there were problems. 

At first our problems seemed small and then they grew bigger and bigger.  It got to the point where I hated myself. I HATED THE PERSON I HAD BECOME. I would hide my pain from my friends and family because I didn't want them to see how bad things were. Life seemed to be to much for me to handle. I was experiencing things I never thought I would. I felt hurt beyond belief and betrayed. And then my marriage was ending. 

As I was going through my divorce I felt BROKEN and USED. I thought no one would ever love me again since I had to carry around the baggage of my divorce now. Luckily my divorce took 6 months to finalize. During that time I was so frustrated it was taking so long but I look back now and I am grateful. I needed time to realize I could be strong on my own. I need time to pick up the pieces of myself and sew them back together. And the most beautiful thing happened. As I put myself back together I realized I was so much stronger then I thought. 

I knew I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be in a toxic relationship. I realized the only way to be free of the pain was to learn to love myself. I started to learn how it was to be alone. To not worry what others thought about me. 

I realized I was a beautiful person all along but because I didn't believe it no one else did.

 Here I am at 23 and my opinion on beauty has changed dramatically. I sometimes feel I am much older then 23. Five years ago I wouldn't have pictured myself where I am right now. I am so glad I am exactly where I am though. 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people who make my life so much better. My crazy life is one BEAUTIFUL mess and  I wouldn't change one second of it. 

BEAUTY isn't about the women walking on the red carpet. It isn't about owning the newest fade or how many friends you have on Facebook. BEAUTY is about something within yourself. It is knowing you have lots of flaws and knowing those flaws make you unique and one of a kind. Once you know how much your worth no one can change your mind. 

If your struggling with knowing how amazing you are, know that I have been in your shoes. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with myself. Loving yourself takes time and can be a journey. But it is a journey worth taking. Only after you discover how BEAUTIFUL you are will others be able to see it too. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

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Kick'em When Down

As I was going through some of my past writings I found a post called "Kick'em When Down". I never had finished writing it and it has been sitting waiting for me to do something with it since then. 5 months ago I sat down and wrote out my frustrations and anger. While I was writing it my mom called me and gave me some great advice. I stopped writing and instead started a completely new post.  

I ended up writing my Surrender post that day instead. It is so crazy to me to see the difference in the two. 



"Ahh Life..... Sometimes you have a way of always reminding me who is in charge and that it is definitely not me. 

         Honestly I haven't wanted to write lately. Writing for me is pouring my heart out and turning what I am feeling in words. Lately though my heart just hurts a lot. I didn't want to see my pain in black and white text. After waiting and waiting for something to happen that would be happy and cheerful here I am writing about another trial in my life. 

        Lately it seems one bad thing happens and I think how could things get worse. I then wake up the next day already exhausted from the last and something else gets added onto my pile of hardships. Yesterday was a day when I thought that it wasn't possible for anything else to go wrong. And then it did. My life is at a strange turning point. I feel like every aspect of my life is burning up in flames and I can't find anything to put it out with. 

        And you know what I am mad. I am furious that everyday something else happens that I have to deal with. I am keep asking "Why me? Why right now?". When I have bad days I always like to go to Pinterest and look at the quote section. I read the quotes that give you hope and encouragement. It always has helped me cope with challenges in my daily life. But not lately. Lately I read those words and can't help but feel worse. I am so tired and so exhausted. I need one day where everything goes "right". 

      One day I will look back at this and laugh at how things turned out. For now I am just going to be mad for a little while."

   What is so funny about this, is that I feel exactly the way I predicted I would! I don't even remember what one thing that happened that made me sit down and write that. There was multiple things going on right at the time and it could have been any one of them. 

I am not saying I haven't had bad days since then. I have. But so does everyone else around me. I just have a different view point then I did right then. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am definitely not at the end of the tunnel yet but I can see how bright and beautiful it is at the end now. 

I am grateful I didn't delete this. I am glad that I can look back and be proud about how far I have come since then. Life is so full of twist and turns sometimes I feel so dizzy. But right now I can see clearly and am glad I have many reasons to be happy. 

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Excuses

For the past three day I have been very sick and in bed. My life has been so busy lately and being sick and so weak not being able to get out of bed was a big deal. I am always working on something for the medical clinic or something for my moms company. I spend my free time with my family and all of the rest of the time working. I look forward to my hour workout at the gym because it is a hour of me time. 

These past three days though have been a eye opener. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and I am always more emotional when I am sick. So I also did a lot of over thinking. I decided since the year is coming to a close I wanted to write a letter to myself about the past year. I plan on sharing it here as soon as I have it done. As I have been writing I realize I have some of regrets about this year. 

This year has had a lot of big decisions. I have had plenty of small one to make too though. While the big decisions have been hard and lots of prayers and tears have gone into them I think I have struggled most with the little ones. The biggest decision I have made all year is selling my condo. It was a really hard choice to make and I went back and forth many times over what I should do. I am so glad that I eventually made the decision to sell. It was the right choice. 

Everyday we make choices though. I think it is these small everyday choices that shape our life more then the big ones do. Everyday I decide whether or not I want to go to the gym. I decide who I am going to hang out with. On Sundays I choose to go to church or not. I can either put my best foot forward or be a slacker. I decide who to let into my heart. I choose how to spend my free time. 

What I have realized about myself though is I find excuses to not make these small decisions.  I have a friend who I go to the gym with so I know I can't back out and have to go. I find excuses to stay home by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone but me.  On Sundays I have a calling and I know people are counting on me to be there. I value what other people think of me over what I think of myself. I don't open my heart up to anyone but my family because I am scared of being hurt. And I work a lot so I don't have down time that I need to choose how to spend. 

I have to make a decisions though. I am constantly finding excuses to not do things. I am scared of change. I am scared of being hurt.  I want to be strong all the time. I don't like feeling weak. I have a routine and I am afraid of doing anything different. I like control and when I make choices I feel like I lose some of my control because something bad could happen if I chose wrong. I think it is because so many things have been out of my control lately that I seek the constant routine. 

I am at a place in my life where I feel frozen and not sure what is

in store for me next. I do know I need to stop with the excuses and be strong because my excuses are hurting others around me. 

Today I hurt someone who was trying to help me. He was trying to be a force for good in my life and I wouldn't let him in. I am so mad at myself. I was scared of letting him help me because it would mean opening my heart and being vulnerable. Instead I made an excuse. A hurtful excuse. I said things I didn't mean. At the time I would have said anything to not be in the situation having to make a decision. Instead I lost a friend and a chance to have someone in my corner cheering me on. 

I am standing at the crossroads and I don't know where I want to go. I have a vague idea of what I want but I don't know how to find it. I am wandering and feel lost. But starting now I am stopping with the excuses. I am going stand tall and come what may. I will have bad days where I don't think I can get out of bed. Hopefully though most of the time I will feel empowered and ready to take on life. I will take chances and live with the outcome whether good or bad. I want to start living again instead of hiding. I am strong just sometimes I forget it. 

P.S.  

 Go Read

 Philippines 4:13

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Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling. 

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 

One Direction

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Surrender

This Photo really is a great way to summarize my life right now. 

I am exhausted. 

        I have sat down to write multiple times lately and each time I did it ended up being about how I was upset or sad or tired I was. I kept writing about how frustrating things were. In the last month since I have written so much has happened. I put my condo on the market which was really bittersweet. My car broke down, I had some medical issues and was really sick , my job situation has been crazy and all of this on top of dealing with cancer in the family and other personal issues. Honestly it has gotten to the point where I cry a lot. I was mad that things kept happening one right after another. I asked "Why Me?" more times then I can count. 

      Finally one night I was home and really upset. I had been crying all night since something else had gone wrong earlier that day. Koda was on my lap and I had the TV on and I just felt more tired then I ever had before. My mom called me then. We talked for a bit and then she told me she felt like I need to write a blog post about being "Happy". I was upset she challenged me to write about being happy since it was quite obvious I was anything but happy. I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't think of what she thought I supposed to write about. Over the next few days I found myself finding times were I was happy however. Sometimes it was just for a minute or two but I found myself noticing them. Thanks Mom for the advice.

     So here I am taking her advice and sharing some of the things I have been happy about lately. 

       At the end of September I was able to go to Vegas with my mom to help her at an event she puts on every year. I have gone the past 6 years with her. It is held at a really nice hotel and we work a lot but I always look forward to spending the time with her. Plus I get to watch her in her element. Teaching and sharing her heart with the ladies who attend the event. By the way if I haven't said it lately let me say it again. Teresa Collins is a rock star and the greatest example to me. We were just talking about how it is freaky how similar we are. I love this woman like crazy! I am lucky she is my mom.

          A year ago at this event I met Alissa. In the past year Alissa has become a great friend to me. We talk a lot about everything from our struggles to our favorite tv shows, (Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, etc.), and so much more. She lives in Vegas and she actually flew to Utah and drove with me to Vegas in a cargo van with all of the product my mom was teaching with at the event in the back. It was a blast having her with me and much better then driving alone. I am so glad I got to spend some time with her! 

      I also got to go to the Imagine Dragons concert this past weekend. I love Imagine Dragons. I know every song and can sing them by heart. I have a friend who asked if they could set me up with someone they knew. He called me and asked if I liked Imagine Dragons and if I would want to go to the concert with him. I was pretty excited. I was even more excited when I found out we were sitting in the All Star Suite dead center at the concert! Seriously it was such a blast. I sang my heart out and had no voice for 2 days after. 

      Also something happened right before the concert that made me smile. I was at my moms house getting ready for the date and Zach was getting ready to leave to go to a friends house. As he was leaving I had just finished getting ready. He was walking out the door and turned back to me and said "Bye Tay. You look REALLY Beautiful." Seriously it made my heart melt! 

       Speaking of Zach, guess who turned 16! Happy Birthday Zach! He really is such a great kid. I was talking to him about starting to date and he told me how the most important thing to remember about dating is to not only respect the girl who you take out but also respect her parents. He says he always plans to make sure the girls parents know what they are doing and always get her home before her curfew. For being a teenage boy he really is so thoughtful and kind. 

      To end I want to share why I named this post "Surrender". 

I saw this photo collage of quotes and they all really spoke to me. 

I especially loved the one in the middle. 

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” - Sonia Ricotti

        I am holding up my white flag. I am surrendering to God's plan for my life even though I sometimes question him. I am going to let go of the things that are holding me down and look towards the future. I know I am going through these tough situations in my life for a reason. I feel like the saying "Kick' em while they are down." applies to my life right now but I am going to stop dwelling on the bad and start making an effort to look for the little thing in my life that make me happy.

       I am now going to challenge anyone who reads this to do the same thing that my mom challenged me to do. Write down what makes you happy. Put in on your blog or in your journal. Hang it on your fridge or your bathroom mirror. It is so easy to only see the bad things in our lives. It really take effort to stop and pick out the moments in our daily life that make it worth staying strong. If you do end up posting about your happy moments please let me know. I would love to read what things make others happy.

 

I end with another quote off that photo. This is how I plan to stay strong. 

"Come what may and love it."

- Joseph B Wirthlin 

Bonus Dad

I am a lucky girl. Look at my amazing family. 

This is my Dad's side. 

The Pier Family. Shane and Ryan not in photo.

And this is the most recent Collins family photo. 

Everyone except for Seth. 

       As a child of divorce I have been blessed with two families. My parents divorced when I was 6 and both were remarried by the time I was 9. I grew up with two moms and two dads and lots of siblings. We don't use the word "Step" in describing who they are in my life. We use the term "Bonus". I have a bonus mom and a bonus dad and love them just like you would a biological parent. I love all my siblings as if we were full blood. I couldn't imagine my family any other way at this point. 

         So when I told someone about Tyler having cancer and they asked me why I cared so much since he was "just my step dad" I was shocked. I feel everything has been a shock lately.  You really never think it is going to happen to you or someone in your family and then it does. The past few weeks have been such a blur. It feels like time has stopped and at the same time it is moving in fast motion. From the moment Tyler's cancer was diagnosed it has felt like this. 

       When my parents divorced and my mom married Tyler I had two dads. Tyler has been to all my birthday parties, he would "interview" boys when they would pick me up for dates and truly loved me and my sisters like his own. Just like any other parent he sometimes got on my nerves and pushed my buttons. Overall he has been a great role model for me and been a support throughout my entire life. I truly love him with all my heart. 

      Finding out he had cancer was horrible. Many tears have been shed and a lot of prayers have been said. It has been horrible to watch someone I love be in so much pain and  unable to do anything about it. If you would like the whole medical side of this story my mom has shared it on her blog. She truly has been the rock of our family lately. What you won't read on her blog is that sometimes she calls me at four at the morning when she can't sleep crying. She stays so strong for our family and so she can run her company that when it is late at night and she has run out of things to keep her mind busy that she lets herself not be strong for a little while. She is such a great example to me and I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch her husband be in so much pain. 

         Mom and Tyler have been married for 17 years. During their marriage Tyler has also been so supportive of my mom. My mom has never had to mow the lawn or fill her car up with gas or other small things. Tyler is always trying to take care of her. He has missed an anniversary or two but I can see the love they have for each other. They write each other little notes and leave them on the bathroom mirror before they go to work just to say I love you. I have been able to watch the roles reverse between these two the past few weeks with my mom taking care of Tyler. I have loved watching them lean on each others for support during this hard time. 

      Not only is Tyler my Bonus Dad but I also get to work with him. He is a podiatrist and I am the office manger for his clinic. Now working him has been great sometimes and also not much fun at others. It can be hard working for him because he is my dad. Most of the time it was just like any other job. I have worked for him for 3 and half years. During that time I have only gotten closer to him. There has been multiple times when I was having a bad day and he helped me through it with a kind word or hug. It has truly made us grow closer too. 

      An amazing thing I been able to witness because of working with him is how much he loves his job and how much his patients love him. He has hated that he hasn't been able to see his patients. He knows his patients very well. He knows about their families and jobs. He asks about how their vacations went or how the tomatoes are growing in their gardens. He treats them medically but also considers them friends. 

        One the hardest things for me has been having to reschedule or cancel his patients appointments because of a chemo treatment or he was just to sick to come in. It has also been a blessing in disguise. Every time I had to call and let a someone know about Tyler's cancer I have heard wonderful things. Many patients have cried on the phone with me expressing love and friendship for Ty. It has been amazing to know that so many people care for him and are praying for his recovery along with our family. 

     I was at my parents home a few weeks ago and it had been an emotional day for our family. I had never seen Tyler cry growing up. The first time I ever did was after his cancer was diagnosed. Since then I have seen it many times. And my heart breaks every time. This day he was crying after being given a blessing of healing. He was giving each member of the family a hug and telling us how much he loved us. When he hugged me there were already tears rolling down my face and his. He said to me "Here is my best friend. I spend more time with you because of work then I do with anyone else. I love you so much Tay." It is a memory I will forever cherish and describes our relationship perfectly. 

         

         This man is a great father, husband and grandpa. He loves spending time with the grandbabies and playing on the floor with them. Even after he was diagnosed and was in so much pain he was taking my brothers fishing and going to baseball games. He is such a fighter. He has only had his first round of Chemo and got a mean infection  a few days after that caused him to be hospitalized for 5 days. I was able to go up and visit him the day after he had  the hospital staff shave his head. He looked so handsome even with no hair. 

       I know our family is going to have a long journey ahead of us but we are so close and I know that we will stick together. We will come out stronger because of this trail. We have amazing friends who are giving us much love and support. There hasn't been one day since we told our ward at church about Tyler's illness that someone hasn't reached out to lend a helping hand. We truly have an amazing support system. 

      I don't want anyone to doubt my love for Tyler just because he is my "stepdad". He is more then that. I am grateful for his love and his support of me. I am cheering him on everyday and praying for him constantly. He is an amazing man and is going to fight this cancer with all he has! I am proud to be his bonus daughter. 

Just Divorced

      

       Today has been a strange day. I had to met with my ex so he could sign some paperwork for me. I thought it would be a quick meeting, some papers would be signed and then we would go on with our day. I really wasn't worried about seeing him and didn't think it would be a big deal. We met and I asked how his family was and he asked about mine. And we ended catching up for a bit. 

       I noticed we had been talking a while and he all the sudden seemed a bit nervous. I could tell there was something he needed to get off his chest. "So I have read your blog." It had never crossed my mind that he would read it. I should have because you know gossip travels like lighting. He expressed to me his thoughts on it and his families thoughts. The thing he asked is why now. Why was I making all my thoughts and feeling public now. I didn't do a great job of explaining this when I started this so I will explain now. 

        The past year I have kept many journals. Whenever I couldn't handle something I would write about it. If I have learned anything in the past year it is that my divorce is my baggage that I will always carry with me. My divorce has effected most decisions I have made. And I wrote my thoughts and feelings down the whole time. So most of the posts are journal entries that I have adapted. I choose to share it now because it has been a year and I felt like enough time had past and I was ready to share my experiences. I was hoping people who were judgmental towards me might better understand better. 

       We ended up talking for quite a while. He told me how he found out through the grape vine about my blog and how when he first read it that he was upset that I was bringing up old history. I understood completely where he was coming from and we talked about it. I just want to clarify again why I write. I write because I felt so alone at times I would have loved to hear someone else's story. I write because it is very therapeutic to me. Not all my posts are going to be about divorce but my divorce is apart of me so I will continue to write about it.  

Mainly this is why I write: 

This is why I write and I am not stopping anytime soon.






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