Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Kick'em When Down

As I was going through some of my past writings I found a post called "Kick'em When Down". I never had finished writing it and it has been sitting waiting for me to do something with it since then. 5 months ago I sat down and wrote out my frustrations and anger. While I was writing it my mom called me and gave me some great advice. I stopped writing and instead started a completely new post.  

I ended up writing my Surrender post that day instead. It is so crazy to me to see the difference in the two. 

"Ahh Life..... Sometimes you have a way of always reminding me who is in charge and that it is definitely not me. 

         Honestly I haven't wanted to write lately. Writing for me is pouring my heart out and turning what I am feeling in words. Lately though my heart just hurts a lot. I didn't want to see my pain in black and white text. After waiting and waiting for something to happen that would be happy and cheerful here I am writing about another trial in my life. 

        Lately it seems one bad thing happens and I think how could things get worse. I then wake up the next day already exhausted from the last and something else gets added onto my pile of hardships. Yesterday was a day when I thought that it wasn't possible for anything else to go wrong. And then it did. My life is at a strange turning point. I feel like every aspect of my life is burning up in flames and I can't find anything to put it out with. 

        And you know what I am mad. I am furious that everyday something else happens that I have to deal with. I am keep asking "Why me? Why right now?". When I have bad days I always like to go to Pinterest and look at the quote section. I read the quotes that give you hope and encouragement. It always has helped me cope with challenges in my daily life. But not lately. Lately I read those words and can't help but feel worse. I am so tired and so exhausted. I need one day where everything goes "right". 

      One day I will look back at this and laugh at how things turned out. For now I am just going to be mad for a little while."

   What is so funny about this, is that I feel exactly the way I predicted I would! I don't even remember what one thing that happened that made me sit down and write that. There was multiple things going on right at the time and it could have been any one of them. 

I am not saying I haven't had bad days since then. I have. But so does everyone else around me. I just have a different view point then I did right then. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am definitely not at the end of the tunnel yet but I can see how bright and beautiful it is at the end now. 

I am grateful I didn't delete this. I am glad that I can look back and be proud about how far I have come since then. Life is so full of twist and turns sometimes I feel so dizzy. But right now I can see clearly and am glad I have many reasons to be happy. 

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