For the past three day I have been very sick and in bed. My life has been so busy lately and being sick and so weak not being able to get out of bed was a big deal. I am always working on something for the medical clinic or something for my moms company. I spend my free time with my family and all of the rest of the time working. I look forward to my hour workout at the gym because it is a hour of me time.
These past three days though have been a eye opener. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and I am always more emotional when I am sick. So I also did a lot of over thinking. I decided since the year is coming to a close I wanted to write a letter to myself about the past year. I plan on sharing it here as soon as I have it done. As I have been writing I realize I have some of regrets about this year.
This year has had a lot of big decisions. I have had plenty of small one to make too though. While the big decisions have been hard and lots of prayers and tears have gone into them I think I have struggled most with the little ones. The biggest decision I have made all year is selling my condo. It was a really hard choice to make and I went back and forth many times over what I should do. I am so glad that I eventually made the decision to sell. It was the right choice.
Everyday we make choices though. I think it is these small everyday choices that shape our life more then the big ones do. Everyday I decide whether or not I want to go to the gym. I decide who I am going to hang out with. On Sundays I choose to go to church or not. I can either put my best foot forward or be a slacker. I decide who to let into my heart. I choose how to spend my free time.
What I have realized about myself though is I find excuses to not make these small decisions. I have a friend who I go to the gym with so I know I can't back out and have to go. I find excuses to stay home by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone but me. On Sundays I have a calling and I know people are counting on me to be there. I value what other people think of me over what I think of myself. I don't open my heart up to anyone but my family because I am scared of being hurt. And I work a lot so I don't have down time that I need to choose how to spend.
I have to make a decisions though. I am constantly finding excuses to not do things. I am scared of change. I am scared of being hurt. I want to be strong all the time. I don't like feeling weak. I have a routine and I am afraid of doing anything different. I like control and when I make choices I feel like I lose some of my control because something bad could happen if I chose wrong. I think it is because so many things have been out of my control lately that I seek the constant routine.
I am at a place in my life where I feel frozen and not sure what is
in store for me next. I do know I need to stop with the excuses and be strong because my excuses are hurting others around me.
Today I hurt someone who was trying to help me. He was trying to be a force for good in my life and I wouldn't let him in. I am so mad at myself. I was scared of letting him help me because it would mean opening my heart and being vulnerable. Instead I made an excuse. A hurtful excuse. I said things I didn't mean. At the time I would have said anything to not be in the situation having to make a decision. Instead I lost a friend and a chance to have someone in my corner cheering me on.
I am standing at the crossroads and I don't know where I want to go. I have a vague idea of what I want but I don't know how to find it. I am wandering and feel lost. But starting now I am stopping with the excuses. I am going stand tall and come what may. I will have bad days where I don't think I can get out of bed. Hopefully though most of the time I will feel empowered and ready to take on life. I will take chances and live with the outcome whether good or bad. I want to start living again instead of hiding. I am strong just sometimes I forget it.
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