Your Four Minutes

A few weeks ago was General Conference. General Conference is a semiannual gathering of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, held every April and October at the LDS Conference Center in Salt Lake City, Utah.  It is broadcast world wide so all the members can watch it.  It is where we get to hear the church leaders speak to the church as a whole. I always look forward to it. This year more then most. 

This year it meant more to me then ever before. Mainly because my faith has been tested a lot. Tested so much that at one point I felt abandoned by God. I was frustrated that things weren't going the way I wanted them too. In fact for a  while a felt so angry at God for the situations I was being put in I just didn't want to go to church. I never stopped believing in the church but I was upset and didn't want to sit through three hours of church when I felt so alone. Luckily this feeling didn't last long. Looking back it truly amazes me how different my life is when I live the principles of the Gospel every day. 

When I was struggling with my testimony I was struggling with myself really. I was mad that the plans I made for myself weren't following through as planned. I wanted someone to blame and I blamed God. I wish I could express how much I regret blaming God for my trials. Instead of it making me feel better I lost a connection to my Heavenly Father and Christ because I was being stubborn. 

It is crazy to me how much this conference was aimed right at things I needed to hear. I had prayed before listening to the talks that I would feel the spirit and that I would find guidance in the words spoken by the Church leaders. I was astounded how every single talk I was able to take something away from it. Sometimes it was a single phrase that spoke to me. Other times it was as if the  whole talk had been written just for me.  

My favorite talk was entitled "Your Four Minutes" by Bishop Gary E Stevenson. He first talked shared a story about athlete Noelle Pikus who competed in the 2014 Olympics competing in the skeleton. He said "Years of preparation would be considered either a success or a disappointment based on what happened in the space of four intense 60-second runs." Her Olympic success would be based on four minutes. 

He compared our life to these four minutes. With an eternal perspective our lives here on Earth are just four minutes. This life will go by in a blink of an eye. He talked about the basic things we do that will help us reach the goal which is eternal life. Simple things we sometimes to forget to do. Praying, going to church, reading our scriptures, etc. Sometimes is the simple stuff you will struggle most with. It was just the reminder I needed to adjust my life. 

It was a beautiful talk and I would encourage you to listen to it. 

My absolute favorite thing he said was "You have the Savior of the world on your side. If you seek His help and follow His directions, how can you fail?" For someone who had tried to shut myself off from my Savior because I was mad that hit me so hard. I was failing and miserable because instead of leaning on the Savior for help when I needed it I turned away from him. 

I am so grateful to be apart of this great Church and the knowledge that comes with it. I know with every fiber of my being that the Savior lives and that the Church is true. I know He suffered for my sins and then died for me and everyone else so that we can all live again with our Heavenly Father. While the trials in my life have been so hard I am so grateful for them. They have made me strong when I felt weak. The lessons I have learned from them have made the struggles worth it. 

This world is such a scary place right now and I am grateful for the Gospel that guides me be the best me possible. I know there is a living Prophet on the Earth and we heard from him and his apostles and church leaders during General Conference. I know the words they spoke were from our Heavenly Father. I love this Gospel so much and grateful to have such amazing examples of in my life to live up to.  I am so proud of my McKay and Shane who are serving mission right now. I know they are teaching the words of Christ. 

 McKay serving in Seattle Washington.

Shane serving in Malaga Spain.

I know the Church is true and I am so grateful for loving parents who raised me and my siblings with this knowledge. If you have questions about the LDS Church and want to learn more I encourage you to contact the missionaries in your area. I know they can answer any question you have. You can contact them here. Maybe Shane or McKay will be who you talk to. You can also find answers on the church website and listen the entire General Conference. 

April 2014 General Conference

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I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

In the world today BEAUTY can mean so many things. The people we idolize are models and movie stars. We crush on the action movie stars. We follow fashion blogs and try to recreate outfits or hair styles we see in People magazine. 

My self image is something that I have always struggled with. Especially during high school I always felt like the ugly girl who you would just pass by in the hall. I remember many nights crying my self to sleep wishing that I would wake up and things would be different. I remember going on crazy diets to lose weight, coloring my hair because I thought brunettes were prettier and buying all the latest fashion trends so I could try to fit in.

 

My self worth was so small though some days I wouldn't even try. I would get out of bed throw my hair up in a bun and leave the house in sweats. It seemed so pointless to try and get ready when I knew it didn't matter. I felt like even if I did try it would never be good enough. I would never be as pretty as the popular girls. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Oregon I changed my opinion. Somehow living alone without my family I had to realize how much I was worth. I couldn't just lean on my family when I needed help. I grew up a lot when I was there. It was living in Oregon I learned I loved photography and that I was really good at it. I learned that to make friends you needed to be one. I made mistakes and learned a lot of lessons too. 

When I moved back to Utah I was much stronger. But I still was missing the key ingredient to BEAUTY. I met my future husband shortly after moving back home to Utah. I was instantly swept away in this boy. I couldn't believe this boy was dating me. All of the sudden what I thought of myself didn't matter. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED WAS WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME. I was shocked when he told me he loved me. I couldn't fathom it when he proposed. I couldn't believe I was feeling just a week before the wedding that I was making a huge mistake and that I should call off it off. All that mattered to me though is what people would think of me if I did.

I was so embarrassed to call off the wedding. I knew my parents had spent a lot of money. There was family coming in from out of state. I didn't want to be seen as weak so I let a boy talk me into the biggest decision you ever make because I was scared people would talk bad about me. I didn't want to have to explain why I wouldn't be getting married. So I went through with the wedding and told myself I was just having cold feet. 

At first married life was so fun. I loved having someone to come home to everyday. My favourite thing ever was waking up next to someone. I thought about the future daily and how our lives would change over the next few years. I was excited to see where we ended up together. MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HOW I FELT WHEN HIS ARMS WERE AROUND ME.  It didn't take long however to see that there were problems. 

At first our problems seemed small and then they grew bigger and bigger.  It got to the point where I hated myself. I HATED THE PERSON I HAD BECOME. I would hide my pain from my friends and family because I didn't want them to see how bad things were. Life seemed to be to much for me to handle. I was experiencing things I never thought I would. I felt hurt beyond belief and betrayed. And then my marriage was ending. 

As I was going through my divorce I felt BROKEN and USED. I thought no one would ever love me again since I had to carry around the baggage of my divorce now. Luckily my divorce took 6 months to finalize. During that time I was so frustrated it was taking so long but I look back now and I am grateful. I needed time to realize I could be strong on my own. I need time to pick up the pieces of myself and sew them back together. And the most beautiful thing happened. As I put myself back together I realized I was so much stronger then I thought. 

I knew I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be in a toxic relationship. I realized the only way to be free of the pain was to learn to love myself. I started to learn how it was to be alone. To not worry what others thought about me. 

I realized I was a beautiful person all along but because I didn't believe it no one else did.

 Here I am at 23 and my opinion on beauty has changed dramatically. I sometimes feel I am much older then 23. Five years ago I wouldn't have pictured myself where I am right now. I am so glad I am exactly where I am though. 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people who make my life so much better. My crazy life is one BEAUTIFUL mess and  I wouldn't change one second of it. 

BEAUTY isn't about the women walking on the red carpet. It isn't about owning the newest fade or how many friends you have on Facebook. BEAUTY is about something within yourself. It is knowing you have lots of flaws and knowing those flaws make you unique and one of a kind. Once you know how much your worth no one can change your mind. 

If your struggling with knowing how amazing you are, know that I have been in your shoes. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with myself. Loving yourself takes time and can be a journey. But it is a journey worth taking. Only after you discover how BEAUTIFUL you are will others be able to see it too. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

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Kick'em When Down

As I was going through some of my past writings I found a post called "Kick'em When Down". I never had finished writing it and it has been sitting waiting for me to do something with it since then. 5 months ago I sat down and wrote out my frustrations and anger. While I was writing it my mom called me and gave me some great advice. I stopped writing and instead started a completely new post.  

I ended up writing my Surrender post that day instead. It is so crazy to me to see the difference in the two. 



"Ahh Life..... Sometimes you have a way of always reminding me who is in charge and that it is definitely not me. 

         Honestly I haven't wanted to write lately. Writing for me is pouring my heart out and turning what I am feeling in words. Lately though my heart just hurts a lot. I didn't want to see my pain in black and white text. After waiting and waiting for something to happen that would be happy and cheerful here I am writing about another trial in my life. 

        Lately it seems one bad thing happens and I think how could things get worse. I then wake up the next day already exhausted from the last and something else gets added onto my pile of hardships. Yesterday was a day when I thought that it wasn't possible for anything else to go wrong. And then it did. My life is at a strange turning point. I feel like every aspect of my life is burning up in flames and I can't find anything to put it out with. 

        And you know what I am mad. I am furious that everyday something else happens that I have to deal with. I am keep asking "Why me? Why right now?". When I have bad days I always like to go to Pinterest and look at the quote section. I read the quotes that give you hope and encouragement. It always has helped me cope with challenges in my daily life. But not lately. Lately I read those words and can't help but feel worse. I am so tired and so exhausted. I need one day where everything goes "right". 

      One day I will look back at this and laugh at how things turned out. For now I am just going to be mad for a little while."

   What is so funny about this, is that I feel exactly the way I predicted I would! I don't even remember what one thing that happened that made me sit down and write that. There was multiple things going on right at the time and it could have been any one of them. 

I am not saying I haven't had bad days since then. I have. But so does everyone else around me. I just have a different view point then I did right then. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am definitely not at the end of the tunnel yet but I can see how bright and beautiful it is at the end now. 

I am grateful I didn't delete this. I am glad that I can look back and be proud about how far I have come since then. Life is so full of twist and turns sometimes I feel so dizzy. But right now I can see clearly and am glad I have many reasons to be happy. 

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Excuses

For the past three day I have been very sick and in bed. My life has been so busy lately and being sick and so weak not being able to get out of bed was a big deal. I am always working on something for the medical clinic or something for my moms company. I spend my free time with my family and all of the rest of the time working. I look forward to my hour workout at the gym because it is a hour of me time. 

These past three days though have been a eye opener. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and I am always more emotional when I am sick. So I also did a lot of over thinking. I decided since the year is coming to a close I wanted to write a letter to myself about the past year. I plan on sharing it here as soon as I have it done. As I have been writing I realize I have some of regrets about this year. 

This year has had a lot of big decisions. I have had plenty of small one to make too though. While the big decisions have been hard and lots of prayers and tears have gone into them I think I have struggled most with the little ones. The biggest decision I have made all year is selling my condo. It was a really hard choice to make and I went back and forth many times over what I should do. I am so glad that I eventually made the decision to sell. It was the right choice. 

Everyday we make choices though. I think it is these small everyday choices that shape our life more then the big ones do. Everyday I decide whether or not I want to go to the gym. I decide who I am going to hang out with. On Sundays I choose to go to church or not. I can either put my best foot forward or be a slacker. I decide who to let into my heart. I choose how to spend my free time. 

What I have realized about myself though is I find excuses to not make these small decisions.  I have a friend who I go to the gym with so I know I can't back out and have to go. I find excuses to stay home by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone but me.  On Sundays I have a calling and I know people are counting on me to be there. I value what other people think of me over what I think of myself. I don't open my heart up to anyone but my family because I am scared of being hurt. And I work a lot so I don't have down time that I need to choose how to spend. 

I have to make a decisions though. I am constantly finding excuses to not do things. I am scared of change. I am scared of being hurt.  I want to be strong all the time. I don't like feeling weak. I have a routine and I am afraid of doing anything different. I like control and when I make choices I feel like I lose some of my control because something bad could happen if I chose wrong. I think it is because so many things have been out of my control lately that I seek the constant routine. 

I am at a place in my life where I feel frozen and not sure what is

in store for me next. I do know I need to stop with the excuses and be strong because my excuses are hurting others around me. 

Today I hurt someone who was trying to help me. He was trying to be a force for good in my life and I wouldn't let him in. I am so mad at myself. I was scared of letting him help me because it would mean opening my heart and being vulnerable. Instead I made an excuse. A hurtful excuse. I said things I didn't mean. At the time I would have said anything to not be in the situation having to make a decision. Instead I lost a friend and a chance to have someone in my corner cheering me on. 

I am standing at the crossroads and I don't know where I want to go. I have a vague idea of what I want but I don't know how to find it. I am wandering and feel lost. But starting now I am stopping with the excuses. I am going stand tall and come what may. I will have bad days where I don't think I can get out of bed. Hopefully though most of the time I will feel empowered and ready to take on life. I will take chances and live with the outcome whether good or bad. I want to start living again instead of hiding. I am strong just sometimes I forget it. 

P.S.  

 Go Read

 Philippines 4:13

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