Meet Travis

 I have been trying to decide when the time was right to share that I am dating someone. With my mom being such a public figure with her company and blog I didn't want to share any information until I was pretty confident about the relationship. After my divorce I received emails with love and support from many people who follow my moms blog and company. However I also received some messages about how I should have never gotten married so young and how I made marriage look cheap. Luckily the good out weighed the bad substantially during that time. 

Because of this though I didn't want to share anything about me seeing anyone until I knew a few things. First I needed to know that whoever I was seeing was going to be around for a while. I wouldn't talk about someone in such a public way if I didn't know that. Secondly I needed time to see how him and me would work together. I didn't want to jump the gun and tell everyone I was seeing someone and then realize we weren't compatible. Last I needed to know they could handle being in a lot of pictures! That one probably seems so silly but because of my who my mom is we are always taking photos. 

I just really needed to feel secure with someone before I went public with this information. Since my divorce has been final and I started dating again and I have been in a few relationships. However I never felt comfortable enough with any of them that I would share it with anyone besides close friends and family. That is until now. 

Meet Travis

We meet online dating. His profile picture was of him at a Utah football game in a Utah jersey. Now my family are big BYU fans so normally I wouldn't even have engaged in a conversation with a Ute Fan. However something about Travis made me want to talk to him. I loved talking to him from the start. I could tell how much his family meant to him and how hard of a worker he was. 

For our first date we went ice skating. Travis plays hockey so he is really good on the ice. I think he wanted to test me. However I passed with flying colors. I didn't fall down once! It is fun that was our first date because now when Travis has hockey games we get to go back to the same ice rink and he play his games. 

We have been dating a few months now and I adore him. It has been the easiest relationship I have ever been in. My marriage was so hard. It was always a constant battle to try and make it work. Lots of fighting and pulling of hair to just have a semi functional relationship. With Travis I don't have to worry about that. Half the time he knows what I am thinking before I do. He understand how my brain works and we work perfectly together. 

The only "argument" we have had so far was over a game of Monopoly. He totally cheated and won the game so I was quite mad at him. (He swears he didn't cheat but he had a ten year old in the palm of his hands who would trade him anything he wanted. Totally cheating.) Besides him being a cheater at Monopoly it has been so easy with Travis. 

So to help you get to know him here are a few things about Travis:

1. He is the pickiest eater I know. I love cooking and baking so this could be a issue.

2. He is a super hard worker. I really love that he this way. 

3. He has been married before which means we both understand how hard relationships can be and when problems come up we can work on them together.

4. He is 28. Almost 29 in a few weeks. 

5. He has a son. Jaxon is great! He is a little spit fire and is about as picky of a eater as his father. 

(Did I mention he is a Ute Fan?)

6. He loves movies. Doesn't watch much TV though unless it is Survivor or Sports. 

7. He plays hockey. His team is the Fainting Goats. He is also in a Bowling league. 

8. He likes to talk in strange voices. Sometimes it is a british accent. Sometimes it is like a cowboy. Luckily he doesn't do it in public. 

9. He bought the house he grew up in from his parents two years ago and is currently living there. 

10. He is just pretty great if I do say so myself. 

For Easter we went to Blanding, Utah so I could meet his family. I loved meeting his mom and dad because he talks about them all the time. I loved seeing how much his family meant to him because mine means so much to me.

I love spending so much time on the weekends with Travis and Jaxon. Even if we are just playing Mario Kart Wii, which Jaxon loves to do, we have a blast. 

I have two favorite moments with Travis. One happened just yesterday. We were out at my moms for dinner. Jaxon, my brothers and I were in the kitchen eating watermelon and I look in the front room and my mom and Travis are just sitting and having a conversation. My mom is my best friend and to see her smiling and talking to the man I love was such wonderful sight. I couldn't help but smile as the two of the most important people in my life sat there together talking. 

The other one was about a week ago. I had a really hard day. Travis and I live about 30 minutes away from each other so during the week we rarely see each other. It was a tuesday and I just needed him by my side. I called him up at work and asked if he had plans. If not I wanted to come down and see him. He actually said he was planning on coming down to see me because he knew I needed him. (Brownie Points for him!) I told him I would just come down to his place since I have roommates and he doesn't and I just wanted to be able to talk to him alone. 

After work I drove down to his place and from the moment we saw each other everything felt like it was going to be okay. We didn't end up doing anything but talking all evening. We sat on the bed with a blanket around us, holding hands and talking. He would kiss my forehead or check in the middle of a sentence and then just keep talking. We talked about a lot of emotional things and I cried a few tears. I have never felt so much love before then I did right then. I can't even describe the feeling. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I just wanted that moment to never end. One thing Travis does really well is love. He loves with his whole heart and has so much to give. I truly feel so lucky to have him in my life. I am excited to see what the future holds for us. 

If you can't tell he makes me really happy. 

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Blast from the Past

If you know my family you know how much we all love photos. Not just my mom because of her work but long before that. One of my favorite things about going to my families is when we pull out one of the many boxes of photos we have a look through them. We spend hours doing it! We found some gems recently and I had to share them! 

Gentry, Me and McKay

Cousins! Me, Tyler, Gentry, McKay and Krista

Us girls and Dad. 

(I totally still have that teddy bear too!)

One of our many Disneyland trips. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

In the world today BEAUTY can mean so many things. The people we idolize are models and movie stars. We crush on the action movie stars. We follow fashion blogs and try to recreate outfits or hair styles we see in People magazine. 

My self image is something that I have always struggled with. Especially during high school I always felt like the ugly girl who you would just pass by in the hall. I remember many nights crying my self to sleep wishing that I would wake up and things would be different. I remember going on crazy diets to lose weight, coloring my hair because I thought brunettes were prettier and buying all the latest fashion trends so I could try to fit in.

 

My self worth was so small though some days I wouldn't even try. I would get out of bed throw my hair up in a bun and leave the house in sweats. It seemed so pointless to try and get ready when I knew it didn't matter. I felt like even if I did try it would never be good enough. I would never be as pretty as the popular girls. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Oregon I changed my opinion. Somehow living alone without my family I had to realize how much I was worth. I couldn't just lean on my family when I needed help. I grew up a lot when I was there. It was living in Oregon I learned I loved photography and that I was really good at it. I learned that to make friends you needed to be one. I made mistakes and learned a lot of lessons too. 

When I moved back to Utah I was much stronger. But I still was missing the key ingredient to BEAUTY. I met my future husband shortly after moving back home to Utah. I was instantly swept away in this boy. I couldn't believe this boy was dating me. All of the sudden what I thought of myself didn't matter. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED WAS WHAT HE THOUGHT OF ME. I was shocked when he told me he loved me. I couldn't fathom it when he proposed. I couldn't believe I was feeling just a week before the wedding that I was making a huge mistake and that I should call off it off. All that mattered to me though is what people would think of me if I did.

I was so embarrassed to call off the wedding. I knew my parents had spent a lot of money. There was family coming in from out of state. I didn't want to be seen as weak so I let a boy talk me into the biggest decision you ever make because I was scared people would talk bad about me. I didn't want to have to explain why I wouldn't be getting married. So I went through with the wedding and told myself I was just having cold feet. 

At first married life was so fun. I loved having someone to come home to everyday. My favourite thing ever was waking up next to someone. I thought about the future daily and how our lives would change over the next few years. I was excited to see where we ended up together. MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND HOW I FELT WHEN HIS ARMS WERE AROUND ME.  It didn't take long however to see that there were problems. 

At first our problems seemed small and then they grew bigger and bigger.  It got to the point where I hated myself. I HATED THE PERSON I HAD BECOME. I would hide my pain from my friends and family because I didn't want them to see how bad things were. Life seemed to be to much for me to handle. I was experiencing things I never thought I would. I felt hurt beyond belief and betrayed. And then my marriage was ending. 

As I was going through my divorce I felt BROKEN and USED. I thought no one would ever love me again since I had to carry around the baggage of my divorce now. Luckily my divorce took 6 months to finalize. During that time I was so frustrated it was taking so long but I look back now and I am grateful. I needed time to realize I could be strong on my own. I need time to pick up the pieces of myself and sew them back together. And the most beautiful thing happened. As I put myself back together I realized I was so much stronger then I thought. 

I knew I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be in a toxic relationship. I realized the only way to be free of the pain was to learn to love myself. I started to learn how it was to be alone. To not worry what others thought about me. 

I realized I was a beautiful person all along but because I didn't believe it no one else did.

 Here I am at 23 and my opinion on beauty has changed dramatically. I sometimes feel I am much older then 23. Five years ago I wouldn't have pictured myself where I am right now. I am so glad I am exactly where I am though. 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people who make my life so much better. My crazy life is one BEAUTIFUL mess and  I wouldn't change one second of it. 

BEAUTY isn't about the women walking on the red carpet. It isn't about owning the newest fade or how many friends you have on Facebook. BEAUTY is about something within yourself. It is knowing you have lots of flaws and knowing those flaws make you unique and one of a kind. Once you know how much your worth no one can change your mind. 

If your struggling with knowing how amazing you are, know that I have been in your shoes. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with myself. Loving yourself takes time and can be a journey. But it is a journey worth taking. Only after you discover how BEAUTIFUL you are will others be able to see it too. 

I Hope You Feel Beautiful Today

Please share my blog on Facebook, Twitter or on Pinterest if you know anyone who would benefit from reading. My purpose in writing is to inspire people and the only way I can do that is with your help by sharing my blog with others.

Also please take a second and follow my blog to keep up on all the latest entries.

Thank you for your Support! 

A Little Piece of Heaven

I absolutely love being a aunt! Pretty much it is one of the best things ever. I am positive the only thing that will ever compare to the love I feel for my niece and nephews will be the love I feel for my own children. 

Matt and Kayla recently welcomed home Tenneson Lewis.

February 23 he was sent straight from Heaven.

Maxson and Zellie already love him so much! 

They are the cutest family! Even though they live far away I think of all five of them daily. 

Photo Credit: 

http://www.abinantephotography.blogspot.com/2014/02/a-little-piece-of-heaven.html

Kick'em When Down

As I was going through some of my past writings I found a post called "Kick'em When Down". I never had finished writing it and it has been sitting waiting for me to do something with it since then. 5 months ago I sat down and wrote out my frustrations and anger. While I was writing it my mom called me and gave me some great advice. I stopped writing and instead started a completely new post.  

I ended up writing my Surrender post that day instead. It is so crazy to me to see the difference in the two. 



"Ahh Life..... Sometimes you have a way of always reminding me who is in charge and that it is definitely not me. 

         Honestly I haven't wanted to write lately. Writing for me is pouring my heart out and turning what I am feeling in words. Lately though my heart just hurts a lot. I didn't want to see my pain in black and white text. After waiting and waiting for something to happen that would be happy and cheerful here I am writing about another trial in my life. 

        Lately it seems one bad thing happens and I think how could things get worse. I then wake up the next day already exhausted from the last and something else gets added onto my pile of hardships. Yesterday was a day when I thought that it wasn't possible for anything else to go wrong. And then it did. My life is at a strange turning point. I feel like every aspect of my life is burning up in flames and I can't find anything to put it out with. 

        And you know what I am mad. I am furious that everyday something else happens that I have to deal with. I am keep asking "Why me? Why right now?". When I have bad days I always like to go to Pinterest and look at the quote section. I read the quotes that give you hope and encouragement. It always has helped me cope with challenges in my daily life. But not lately. Lately I read those words and can't help but feel worse. I am so tired and so exhausted. I need one day where everything goes "right". 

      One day I will look back at this and laugh at how things turned out. For now I am just going to be mad for a little while."

   What is so funny about this, is that I feel exactly the way I predicted I would! I don't even remember what one thing that happened that made me sit down and write that. There was multiple things going on right at the time and it could have been any one of them. 

I am not saying I haven't had bad days since then. I have. But so does everyone else around me. I just have a different view point then I did right then. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am definitely not at the end of the tunnel yet but I can see how bright and beautiful it is at the end now. 

I am grateful I didn't delete this. I am glad that I can look back and be proud about how far I have come since then. Life is so full of twist and turns sometimes I feel so dizzy. But right now I can see clearly and am glad I have many reasons to be happy. 

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Thank You for your Support!

Surrender

This Photo really is a great way to summarize my life right now. 

I am exhausted. 

        I have sat down to write multiple times lately and each time I did it ended up being about how I was upset or sad or tired I was. I kept writing about how frustrating things were. In the last month since I have written so much has happened. I put my condo on the market which was really bittersweet. My car broke down, I had some medical issues and was really sick , my job situation has been crazy and all of this on top of dealing with cancer in the family and other personal issues. Honestly it has gotten to the point where I cry a lot. I was mad that things kept happening one right after another. I asked "Why Me?" more times then I can count. 

      Finally one night I was home and really upset. I had been crying all night since something else had gone wrong earlier that day. Koda was on my lap and I had the TV on and I just felt more tired then I ever had before. My mom called me then. We talked for a bit and then she told me she felt like I need to write a blog post about being "Happy". I was upset she challenged me to write about being happy since it was quite obvious I was anything but happy. I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't think of what she thought I supposed to write about. Over the next few days I found myself finding times were I was happy however. Sometimes it was just for a minute or two but I found myself noticing them. Thanks Mom for the advice.

     So here I am taking her advice and sharing some of the things I have been happy about lately. 

       At the end of September I was able to go to Vegas with my mom to help her at an event she puts on every year. I have gone the past 6 years with her. It is held at a really nice hotel and we work a lot but I always look forward to spending the time with her. Plus I get to watch her in her element. Teaching and sharing her heart with the ladies who attend the event. By the way if I haven't said it lately let me say it again. Teresa Collins is a rock star and the greatest example to me. We were just talking about how it is freaky how similar we are. I love this woman like crazy! I am lucky she is my mom.

          A year ago at this event I met Alissa. In the past year Alissa has become a great friend to me. We talk a lot about everything from our struggles to our favorite tv shows, (Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, etc.), and so much more. She lives in Vegas and she actually flew to Utah and drove with me to Vegas in a cargo van with all of the product my mom was teaching with at the event in the back. It was a blast having her with me and much better then driving alone. I am so glad I got to spend some time with her! 

      I also got to go to the Imagine Dragons concert this past weekend. I love Imagine Dragons. I know every song and can sing them by heart. I have a friend who asked if they could set me up with someone they knew. He called me and asked if I liked Imagine Dragons and if I would want to go to the concert with him. I was pretty excited. I was even more excited when I found out we were sitting in the All Star Suite dead center at the concert! Seriously it was such a blast. I sang my heart out and had no voice for 2 days after. 

      Also something happened right before the concert that made me smile. I was at my moms house getting ready for the date and Zach was getting ready to leave to go to a friends house. As he was leaving I had just finished getting ready. He was walking out the door and turned back to me and said "Bye Tay. You look REALLY Beautiful." Seriously it made my heart melt! 

       Speaking of Zach, guess who turned 16! Happy Birthday Zach! He really is such a great kid. I was talking to him about starting to date and he told me how the most important thing to remember about dating is to not only respect the girl who you take out but also respect her parents. He says he always plans to make sure the girls parents know what they are doing and always get her home before her curfew. For being a teenage boy he really is so thoughtful and kind. 

      To end I want to share why I named this post "Surrender". 

I saw this photo collage of quotes and they all really spoke to me. 

I especially loved the one in the middle. 

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” - Sonia Ricotti

        I am holding up my white flag. I am surrendering to God's plan for my life even though I sometimes question him. I am going to let go of the things that are holding me down and look towards the future. I know I am going through these tough situations in my life for a reason. I feel like the saying "Kick' em while they are down." applies to my life right now but I am going to stop dwelling on the bad and start making an effort to look for the little thing in my life that make me happy.

       I am now going to challenge anyone who reads this to do the same thing that my mom challenged me to do. Write down what makes you happy. Put in on your blog or in your journal. Hang it on your fridge or your bathroom mirror. It is so easy to only see the bad things in our lives. It really take effort to stop and pick out the moments in our daily life that make it worth staying strong. If you do end up posting about your happy moments please let me know. I would love to read what things make others happy.

 

I end with another quote off that photo. This is how I plan to stay strong. 

"Come what may and love it."

- Joseph B Wirthlin