It Was Mom

Two years ago on May 10, 2012 I wrote a blog post about my mom. With Mother's Day coming up I went back and found the post so I could reread it. As I was reading I decided I wanted to share part of it again. I shared 10 things I gotten or learned from my mom. 

1. I got her soft heart. I may seem tough on the outside but you could say something to me joking and I would leave and cry for hours over what was said and you would never know.

2. I got my tear ducts from her. We cry all the time and over really silly things. TV Shows, books, movies. We are also copycat criers. If we see someone crying we tend to start tearing up too.

3. We both hate confrontation. We are people pleasers. I hate saying no and hate standing up to people and telling them what I really feel.

4. She is really creative. I am not nearly as creative as her but luckily some of it has rubbed off on me. 

5. Thinkers. We are thinkers which can sometimes be a bad thing. We tend to over think things and over analyse. 

6. Kindness. I am really proud of my mom in this aspect. It is amazing to me she can be so kind to someone who has done wrong to her. I am still working on this but hope to be as forgiving and kind as her but think I do pretty well.

7. Thank goodness I got her drive. Nothing can stop the two of us when we get our heart into something. 

8. I got my moms temper. I remember when I was little when my mom would get mad and I said I would never act like that. I so do though. Because we think so much alike when we get mad, you know it. The few fights we have been in with each other were not pretty. 

9. Courage. Even though I hate confrontation she taught me to have courage to stand up for what I believe in. Courage to be anything I want. Courage to try new things. Courage to become the best me possible. Courage to step off my given road and explore what else I can do. 

10. I got something I like to call Mama Bear Syndrome from her. Typically this syndrome is a parent protecting their children. However with me and my mom we need to protect everyone we see. It is funny actually since we hate confrontation but if we see anyone hurt we quickly stand up for them. 

Love you tons and glad your my best friend.

As I was reading I wanted to pull my hair out at the bad writing and horrible grammar but I love that I still have this. I have learned so much in the past 2 years since I wrote this. I have learned my mom is super woman. As my bonus dad has been going through chemo and the bone marrow transplant she not only has she been taking care of the family but also running a very successful company. She is always doing something. Whether it is cleaning the house or at a business meeting or watching my brother play baseball or traveling all over the world, her number one priority is our family. I talk to my mom at least once day. Usually it is a lot more then just once. When she is out of the country and not just a phone call away I miss her so much.  

I wish you could all she her the way I do. When I look at her I see a beautiful woman who is my rock. She supported me when I made the decision to end my marriage. She cried with me when Koda died. She told me I was wrong when I needed to hear it. She loved me when I needed her most. She was the first person I wanted to talk to when I fell in love for the first time since my divorce. I don't know how she finds the time to do everything she needs to but she does. She balances work and our family perfectly. We are so lucky to have her. 

I also wanted to share something I wrote about 10 months ago. I was at work and had been staring at a computer screen for a few hours and was going a bit stir crazy. I wrote out a list of "Why My Mom is Better then Yours" and sent it to her. I had no idea it would end up loving it as much as she did. 

I am so lucky to have her in my life. Right now my family has just learned that the cancer my bonus dad has been fighting since August of last year is still in his system. That means more chemo and another bone marrow transplant. It is so scary to know that he is back at square one and starting the treatment process all over. The past week has been so emotional. From just him finding a lump on his neck to the doctors telling us the cancer was definitely there. 

I called my mom after we knew what was going on and we cried together. We talked about moving forward with faith and hope. I want to add one more thing to the list of things I have learned from my mom today with this in mind. There are many things my mom teaches me on a daily basis but the one I am grateful for right now is the gift of hope. Through all of this she has had hope and that hope has spread to me and my siblings. We are in a consent state of confusion and worrying about what the future holds and she is been holding our family together with this simple blessing of hope.

Thank you mom for everything you do for our family. You are so strong and I know I am so lucky to call you mom. Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader. Thank you for telling me when I am being a idiot. Thanks for putting up with the constant phone calls. Most importantly thank you for raising me to be a strong Christian. Without the knowledge and hope that comes from the Church I believe my attitude towards life and hardships would be very different. Thank you for teaching me wrong from right and then trusting me enough to let me make my own choices. It was my mom who made me who I am today. I love you more then anything you can say, think or feel. 

This is video entitled "It Was Mom" is a little tribute to all the mothers out there especially the ones in my life. 

Happy Mothers Day!

#itwasmom

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Your Four Minutes

A few weeks ago was General Conference. General Conference is a semiannual gathering of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, held every April and October at the LDS Conference Center in Salt Lake City, Utah.  It is broadcast world wide so all the members can watch it.  It is where we get to hear the church leaders speak to the church as a whole. I always look forward to it. This year more then most. 

This year it meant more to me then ever before. Mainly because my faith has been tested a lot. Tested so much that at one point I felt abandoned by God. I was frustrated that things weren't going the way I wanted them too. In fact for a  while a felt so angry at God for the situations I was being put in I just didn't want to go to church. I never stopped believing in the church but I was upset and didn't want to sit through three hours of church when I felt so alone. Luckily this feeling didn't last long. Looking back it truly amazes me how different my life is when I live the principles of the Gospel every day. 

When I was struggling with my testimony I was struggling with myself really. I was mad that the plans I made for myself weren't following through as planned. I wanted someone to blame and I blamed God. I wish I could express how much I regret blaming God for my trials. Instead of it making me feel better I lost a connection to my Heavenly Father and Christ because I was being stubborn. 

It is crazy to me how much this conference was aimed right at things I needed to hear. I had prayed before listening to the talks that I would feel the spirit and that I would find guidance in the words spoken by the Church leaders. I was astounded how every single talk I was able to take something away from it. Sometimes it was a single phrase that spoke to me. Other times it was as if the  whole talk had been written just for me.  

My favorite talk was entitled "Your Four Minutes" by Bishop Gary E Stevenson. He first talked shared a story about athlete Noelle Pikus who competed in the 2014 Olympics competing in the skeleton. He said "Years of preparation would be considered either a success or a disappointment based on what happened in the space of four intense 60-second runs." Her Olympic success would be based on four minutes. 

He compared our life to these four minutes. With an eternal perspective our lives here on Earth are just four minutes. This life will go by in a blink of an eye. He talked about the basic things we do that will help us reach the goal which is eternal life. Simple things we sometimes to forget to do. Praying, going to church, reading our scriptures, etc. Sometimes is the simple stuff you will struggle most with. It was just the reminder I needed to adjust my life. 

It was a beautiful talk and I would encourage you to listen to it. 

My absolute favorite thing he said was "You have the Savior of the world on your side. If you seek His help and follow His directions, how can you fail?" For someone who had tried to shut myself off from my Savior because I was mad that hit me so hard. I was failing and miserable because instead of leaning on the Savior for help when I needed it I turned away from him. 

I am so grateful to be apart of this great Church and the knowledge that comes with it. I know with every fiber of my being that the Savior lives and that the Church is true. I know He suffered for my sins and then died for me and everyone else so that we can all live again with our Heavenly Father. While the trials in my life have been so hard I am so grateful for them. They have made me strong when I felt weak. The lessons I have learned from them have made the struggles worth it. 

This world is such a scary place right now and I am grateful for the Gospel that guides me be the best me possible. I know there is a living Prophet on the Earth and we heard from him and his apostles and church leaders during General Conference. I know the words they spoke were from our Heavenly Father. I love this Gospel so much and grateful to have such amazing examples of in my life to live up to.  I am so proud of my McKay and Shane who are serving mission right now. I know they are teaching the words of Christ. 

 McKay serving in Seattle Washington.

Shane serving in Malaga Spain.

I know the Church is true and I am so grateful for loving parents who raised me and my siblings with this knowledge. If you have questions about the LDS Church and want to learn more I encourage you to contact the missionaries in your area. I know they can answer any question you have. You can contact them here. Maybe Shane or McKay will be who you talk to. You can also find answers on the church website and listen the entire General Conference. 

April 2014 General Conference

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A Little Piece of Heaven

I absolutely love being a aunt! Pretty much it is one of the best things ever. I am positive the only thing that will ever compare to the love I feel for my niece and nephews will be the love I feel for my own children. 

Matt and Kayla recently welcomed home Tenneson Lewis.

February 23 he was sent straight from Heaven.

Maxson and Zellie already love him so much! 

They are the cutest family! Even though they live far away I think of all five of them daily. 

Photo Credit: 

http://www.abinantephotography.blogspot.com/2014/02/a-little-piece-of-heaven.html

Story of My Life

Story of My Life by One Direction

I am kinda loving this song right now. And I love photography and taking photos so the song really spoke to me. Especially this line:

"And time is Frozen. The Story of my life."

If you know anything about my family you know we always have a camera and are taking photos at any given moment. It has been two months since I have felt up to writing. I was taking photos though. My heart has been so full of emotion. Every time I sat down to write I couldn't. Too much was going on in such a short amount of time. Honestly I couldn't handle it. I felt broken. I still do.

 I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago when he asked if something was wrong. He knew about a few things that had happened recently that had challenged me. He could tell that day something was bugging me that I hadn't told him about. When he asked about it I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In actuality I did. I just felt like it would be a burden on someone to listen to me. 

Luckily he insisted that I talk to him. I poured out my heart to him and at the end I apologized. I told him I was sorry I was complaining and that I felt weak for not being able to handle things by myself.  Now he is a pretty smart guy and in response to this he told me that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is lean on someone else when your struggling. 

I have been struggling a lot. 

I sold my condo and moved into a place about 5 minutes from my mom so I can help her out as my family is dealing with Tyler's cancer. 

Packing was very bittersweet. I loved my condo and wasn't excited about selling. It was all mine and a place I had grown so much as a person. It was in these walls I picked up the pieces of my heart after my divorce. It was here that me and Gentry spent two weeks before her wedding making bouquets and decorations and just spending time together as sisters. Koda was brought home here after I bought him on the side of the road. When I moved I left part of my heart. 

Luckily the small hole in my heart will fill up one day when I find the next place that feels like home. 

Thank you Zach, Gentry and Devan for helping me move. They were great to come help me. Zach is my little buddy. He has helped me move and let me cry on his shoulder a lot lately. He has also made me laugh when I am sad and I can forget for a moment about some of the hardship I am dealing with. 

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Tyler went into the Huntsman Cancer institute for almost 4 weeks. For the first 5 days he received 18 rounds of high doses of Chemo. After that he received a bone marrow transplant. He was so sick and because he had no immune system wasn't allowed visitors. My mom was able to go visit him but none of us kids were able to. It was hard to know how sick he was and I couldn't see him and there was nothing I could do to help. 

I spent a lot of time at my moms during this period helping her grocery shop, clean and with my brothers. I don't know how she has been able to stay so strong and run a company and take care of the family all while being a support to Tyler. She is an amazing woman. Tyler is home now but his immune system is still very weak. Only the immediate family is allowed to see him. And no one under the age of 14 is at all. He is doing well and are looking forward to seeing how he progresses in the next few months. 

Cancer has been really hard on our family. We have become closer because of it but it is always on the back of our minds. We are always thinking of Tyler and the battling he is fighting for his life. It has become a constant worry for all of us. I always have a prayer in my heart that this is just a temporary trail and in a few months Tyler will be healthy again. 

I have also had to say goodbye to this precious face. Koda was hit by a car the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My heart has hurt so much over the loss of my little buddy. He always knew when I was sad or having a bad day and would curl up on my lap and just be with me. I truly believe God put him in my life to help me though the past year and half. Saying goodbye to him so hard. I wish I could of told him one last time how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Luckily he didn't have to suffer in pain. I feel blessed to have had him in my life.

Koda Bear I miss you so much and I am so grateful you were mine. Thanks for being my little guy and loving me with your whole heart. 

I am glad I took photos during all this. I look back on them and remember exactly what I was feeling. 

So now I am going to bombard you with the Story of My Life the past few months.

Saying Goodbye to my primary class and moving into a singles ward was hard and very nerve wracking. 

Zach keeping a smile on my face when I was missing Koda.

Gentry and Hilary are amazing! Gentry is such a great sister and always has words of wisdom for me. And Hilary is my favorite. She gets me to the gym and motivates me everyday. She is such a spiritual giant and I look up to her. I am grateful I get them as friends.

I did get to go on a Cruise with my mom for work. It was more play then  actual work and we had such a blast. 

I got to celebrate this pretty girls birthday with her. She is a hoot and makes my work day go a little faster. She slides notes under the door when I am in the restroom and sneaks up behind me and scares me so I scream really loudly and freak patients out in the waiting room. Alley your beautiful! 

Downtown Salt Lake City seeing the Christmas Lights on Temple square. Hilary and Ryan are getting married in a few months. I am so excited for them! They are so great together. 

We also saw Santa Claus and an elf. 

Saw the new Hunger Games movie. It was excellent! The company was even better. 

I spent Christmas with my family. This year was simple and really about the birth of Christ and our family this year. It was a very special Christmas. 

We got to Skype with McKay and Shane on Christmas! I completely forgot to get a photo of Shane but I was so excited to talk to both of them! So proud of my missionaries. 

"Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days."

- Story of My Life 

One Direction

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Lessons Learned..... Part Two

    Before you read this post I would suggest reading Part One. Yesterday I shared the lessons learned from my divorce. Today I am going to share the things I have learned about marriage. 

Lessons Learned about Marriage

    Before I get into the list I just want to say I am not an expert. Obviously my marriage didn't work out. You might disagree with some of this and that is okay. This is what I have found to be true in my life. 

1. Choosing who you marry is the most important decisions you will ever make. The person you marry is going to be by your side for the next 50 years. They are going to be there for the highs and lows in your life. You need to be able to trust this person with your whole heart. 

2. Marriage is hard work. I don't know how many people told me before I got married that marriage was hard but I still didn't believe them! Boy did I learn fast. Marriage is the toughest job you will ever have.  

3. One of the most important things you can do in a marriage is pray together. Praying together will not only bring you closer to your spouses but also invite God into your marriage. Marriage is an eternal blessing so with gods help you get get through the tougher parts of life. 

4. Most fights are stupid. I think when you fight with your spouse a lot of the time you are fighting over the little things. I was told once that arguments are like a fire. You are constantly trying to put out the smoke instead of dealing with the fire itself. 

4.The most important phrase in marriage is I Love You. You can never ever in a million years say this to many times. 

5. The second most important phrase in marriage is I am Sorry. And sometimes saying sorry when you don't think you did anything wrong. Whether your right or wrong saying sorry is important. 

6. Money causes a lot of fights. Whether you have a little or a lot money will cause fights. Being financially stable is a good thing but it is silly to argue over money. 

7. Date nights, deep conversations, and taking trips together will make you closer. You need to get off the couch and out of the house sometimes. Don't become the couple that never leaves the house and is constantly in front of the TV or computer. Take time and spend it with each other having fun. 

8. Communication is key. If your not talking your not growing together. Even the little stuff is important like asking how your spouses day went. If you can't talk about the small things how will you be able to talk about the big things.

9. Do not let anger dominate your relationship. Anger causes problems. You need to let go of the anger and learn to forgive. If your holding a grudge or are angry over something that happened in the past you won't be able to move forward in your marriage. 

10. It's worth it. Being married to your best friend is worth it. Even when your fighting amd really don't like each other, you will still love each other. At the end of the day you have each other by your side always. Marriage is a beautiful thing. 

       I look forward to the day when I will fight with my hubby over the dishes in the sink and how he won't put the lid on the tooth paste. I am excited for the long nights just talking and  laughing. I can't wait to start a family and enjoy our happily ever after together. I view dating  so much differently then before my first marriage. I am looking for a partner. Someone who is going to make my burdens lighter so I can do the same for him. We will be equal in all aspects of our marriage. I am grateful for the lessons I learned being married and that I can take those into my next one whenever that may be. 

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Lessons Learned...... Part One

         I was speaking with someone about my divorce recently and he asked me what I had learned from my divorce. This question sparked a lot of emotions in me. I have thought about this before but had never sat down and listed the things I have learned. As I started doing just that I realized what he asked was really a two part question. This is how I broke it down:

1- What lessons have I learned from my divorce?

and 

2 - What lessons have I learned about marriage?

   

So today I am going to start with part one of the question. 

Lessons Learned from my Divorce

1. Being lonely is better then being miserable together. I had many times in my marriage I just felt so miserable. Even though being lonely is horrible it is better then feeling hopeless in my marriage. 

2. Today's test is tomorrows testimony. I truly feel I had learned so much from the past years experiences and am grateful for the things I have learned. 

3. Everyone has pain in their lives. I'd rather inspire others then dwell on my own pain. Especially though this blog and all the wonderful emails I have received of people sharing their stories  with me. There are so many are in need of love and support. I am so humbled that so many people are able to relate to my experiences and understand the pain I went through. 

4. Divorce gave me the motivation for personal growth and change in my own life. My divorce really made me take a look at my own life and see what need to change and be fixed. I feel like I am a different person today then 12 months ago. Personally I am proud of myself and the changes I have made. 

5. Just because I asked for the divorce didn't make it easier. People ask me all the time why the divorce was so hard even though I was the one who eventually asked for the divorce. I never wanted a divorce and unless you have been through one do you know how hard it is. 

6. Gratitude. I really learned about gratitude. I am so thankful for everything that has been given to me. I truly see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life everyday.

7.Who really care about me. It was amazing to see the people who stepped up to help me when I was going through this trial. I am was also shocked to see people who I thought were my friends disappear. 

8.  Not to care what people think. I was really concerned about what people would think of me. I married at the young age of 19 and then divorced three years later. At one point I had to stop worry about other people and just worry about me and what was best for my life. I was judged by a lot for my decisions but it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is how I feel about it. 

9. Self Worth. I can't put into words how low I felt about myself. Someone said to me at one point that it was too bad that I was "Used Goods" now. I was so hurt. I felt like dirt. It took time but I know I am worth a whole lot more then just dirt. 

10. I am stronger then I thought possible. I am grateful for this challenge in my life. I am much happier then ever before. I am a strong woman and I know how to stand on my own two feet. I feel like I can take anything on. I know I will have other trials in my life but I know I can make it though anything. 

Tomorrow look for Part Two:

Lessons Learned about Marriage

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A Love Story

       My little sister is married! And she made the most gorgeous bride. Devan and Gentry were married on May 21, 2013. I am so happy for these two. Devan is truly a wonderful man. I love when I catch him looking at Gentry and I can see all the love he holds for her. Their wedding day was so beautiful. Gentry had a vision for her wedding that she wanted and she pulled it off perfectly. If you want to see some more photos head to her blog and check them out. It was a great day. 

        These two are wonderful examples of soul mates. I love how completely perfect they are together. Devan calms Gent down in a way I didn't know was possible until she met him. And Gentry brings out a side of Devan that is fun and playful. Like every couple they do fight sometimes but I know these two are going to grow grey and old watching their grand babies grow up.  I was honored to be apart of their wedding day when Gentry asked me to be a Bridesmaid and her Maid of Honor.

       In the weeks leading up to her wedding Gentry moved in with me for about a month. My house became wedding central. There was stuff everywhere! Flowers and ribbons and paper and pictures. We would stay up late working on projects and talking about life. I truly treasure these weeks with Gentry. We became even closer as sisters. Quickly though the wedding was upon us. 

          I was so excited for Gent to be getting married! Gentry and Devan were married in the LDS Temple in Draper, Utah. In the LDS church when a couple is married in the temple they are sealed for Time and All Eternity. It is a very sacred ceremony. Me and my other sister McKay, who was also a bridesmaid, arrived at the temple about 30 minutes before the ceremony was to take place. We walked into the temple and were shown into a waiting room until closer to the sealing.

         In the waiting room it was quiet and peaceful. Both families were there waiting to be shown into the Sealing room. You could feel the love in the room for Devan and Gentry. My mom was crying already and there was a smile on every face. Soon the ceremony took place. I remember walking into the room and seeing Gentry. She looked so beautiful but even more then her outside beauty I could see her inside beauty radiating. 

        In preparing for this day I never in a million years thought it would be anything but a happy day. And it was! It also was a hard day. As a sat next to McKay watching my sister marry the love of her life I felt a huge pain in my heart. I didn't realize it until I was sitting in that room that this was the first wedding I had been to since my divorce. As a sat there listening to the words that were being said I couldn't help but think back three years to when I was being married.

       I was so happy for them but my heart was breaking. I was a mess. I started balling and could barely keep it in. I was trying so hard to not let Gentry see me so upset. McKay was holding my hand. She understood what I was feeling. I thought of my failed marriage. I want this for myself. I want to be married to the love of my life and start a family. I was very jealous of Gentry for a minute. It was so hard knowing I had EXACTLY what I always wanted but lost it. I wanted what Gentry and Devan had but for some reason it didn't work out the first time. 

       At the reception later that night I cried again when Gentry danced with my dad and then her first dance with Devan as husband and wife. I cried when I watched their wedding video that had been made for them. I cried when he told her how much he loved her. It all just reminded me of photo albums I have tried to forgot about of my wedding day. The majority of that day was wonderful. We danced and laughed and had a great time. There was only a handful of moments that were hard. A few people noticed how I had been crying randomly throughout the day. I didn't want anyone to worry about me since it was Gentry's day but I was shown so much love and support that day.

     So thank you to my uncle Jim. Your words meant so much to me. Thank you Amy, TC, and McKay. You were there for me the entire day. You ladies seemed to know exactly when I needed a hug or a kind word. Also thanks to my Mom for being my biggest support system.

      I don't have any doubt that someday I will have another wedding but this time it will be the one that lasts. I don't know when it will happen and I don't know who the groom will be but I do know that it will be different this next time. There isn't any rush either. I am going to get my love story and it has a happily ever after this time. 

Congrats Gentry and Devan on starting your life together! I love you both!

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