Saturday, August 10, 2013

Good Day Vs Bad Days

One of these things is not like the other! 
Can you tell which of these pictures were taken on bad days and which were taken on good? 

Probably not.
All of these photos have been taken in the past year.

           The first photo was taken a year ago on my birthday. It wasn't a good day but it wasn't bad. Me and Spencer had only decided about three weeks prior to get a divorce. We had been through marriage counseling, talking with parents, and him moving out before that time. The decision was made and it didn't make me feel any better.  And this birthday was hard. 

        At this point I really hated myself. I hide it from my family but I was depressed. I felt rejected. And ugly. And like "used merchandise". I think the only people who knew a little bit were my mom and Gentry. Gent insisted on me going to my dads and having a little party. We had cake and went for a late night swim. For a few hours I felt good. I treasure this night. It was a happy night in the middle of a lot of bad nights.

              The second photo was taken a happy day. It was December right before Christmas. Nothing major happened. But this was one of the first days I didn't think about the divorce. I love the song  A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. I really connect to this song and it became my anthem during those first couple months. Everyday I got a little bit stronger. And I don't think it has stopped. Everyday I keep growing and keeping getting better. Some days are still hard. I cry sometimes. But those days are few and far between. And this day in December was the start of a lot of great days. 

           Which leaves only the last photo. This was taken on a really bad day shortly after my birthday. Mean words had been said to me. I felt like dirt. I cried a lot this day. I stayed in bed and just wanted the bed to eat me up so I would never have to face the world again. My mom called me and told me to get up and get dressed. I didn't want too but did anyways. She took me shopping and to dinner. We talked and at one point I started crying again. Luckily we took this photo before I ruined my makeup! This was a miserable day. But you couldn't tell from the picture could you. 

         I really only remember this is a bad day because of what happened the day after. Me and Spencer's family were really close when we were married. I knew that we wouldn't stay friends but I honestly thought we could be civil about things. I was wrong. and this was my first clue. The day after I got this message. I had emailed one of his sister asking if she was upset with me.

"You didn't do anything. I was just seeing all your posts and it's great that you are moving on and I'm glad you are happy. But it's hard for me to see you happy and see my brother still hurting. He is moving on too, just not nearly as quickly. It's just hard to keep a clear head and not let my emotions get the best of me when I see you moving on so easily. I'm sorry if you are hurt. That's not what I want. I just have to do what's best for me right now."

She was talking about that third photo. I looked too happy.

          When I got this message I was so hurt. I was upset and I called Spencer. Not one of my finest moments. I asked him if that is what he thought also because it wasn't true. I was miserable!  I was probably more upset then I should have been. I overreacted. I was just so mad at being judge like that. How dare someone tell me I am "moving on" too quickly. I wasn't going to post on Facebook every time I had a bad day. I didn't want people to see how weak I was. I only posted the good moments. And I am proud of myself. I could have said hateful things but instead chose not too. 

           I cried many tears over losing my second family. I loved my nieces and nephews. I considered Spencer's sister some of my best friends. I looked up to his mother and how strong she was. And getting that message stung like a bee. It hurt but it also did something I wasn't excepting. It helped me let go of them. I still read their blogs and check on Facebook to see if they are doing well but I don't cry over losing them anymore. 

My point in writing this post is simple. Don't judge. You don't know the whole story. Your only seeing a small "picture".  You haven't walked a mile in any ones shoes. And be kind to everyone because you don't know what they are feeling or thinking. 

And I end this post with a good day. 

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  1. Hi Taylor honey, crikey sometimes others are miles too quick to judge when something happens that they don't like or understand. I for one am so proud of you for making such a tough decision. You had your reasons and only you can know what those truly were. I admire your strength so greatly. It's not easy to write the words you are writing but what is just SO lovely and amazing is it is the best way to heal the hurt and it is also incredibly brave to say the words out loud in writing! I love you even though I have never met you (except through your gorgeous mother). Keep writing honey, it is so important, especially for others who may be feeling the same way. Love and smiles from New Zealand xxxx

  2. p.s. when I look at you in these photos I see a woman with a truly warm, giving spirit.. it radiates from you! Smiles...

  3. I am so proud of you. You are so honest, brave and strong .I love you more than words.