Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'll be fine. Just not today.


We all have days like this. 
And I had one recently.

     I tend to over analyze everything. I do it a lot. But tonight I am frustrated. Being divorced and starting to date again has been hard. I remember my first date after my divorce was final. I was so nervous. I was shaking in my boots. My mom was trying to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be okay. It worked and that date went fine. 
           That first date is a story for another day though. The only reason I mention it is just to show that I made it through that date. Since then dating has still been hard but it has gotten easier. I still get just as nervous every time. When a date is coming to pick me up for the 30 minutes before he is supposed to pick me up, you will find me pacing back and forth and checking the mirror a thousand times to make sure everything looks just right. Basically I have a mini panic attack. Totally embarrassing and I am glad no one has to see it but myself. 
         Now I have had some pretty amazing dates in the past few months. I also have had some horrible ones. One thing I can tell you for certain though is I have horrible taste in men. I go out with a lot of liars. Usually I don't find this out til the second or third date though. I think I am cursed. The only reason I bring up my "Curse" is because it struck again tonight. But for another reason. 

          This last date nothing went wrong but also nothing went right. And I know I won't be hearing from him again. I just  know and I hate it. That's why I am frustrated. This guy was so great. On our first date he was so sweet and he made me laugh. We were also was able to talk seriously about important things. Not to mention I found him very good looking. I left that date hoping he would ask me out again. He did and I was excited. 

          Soon we were going out for a second time. I tried not to get my hopes up for this one though being cursed as I am. Up until this point the "Curse" has struck multiple times. I am not joking. For some reason these guys I meet feel the need to lie about the silliest things or something else goes horribly wrong. The worst part is I still want them to call me. I want to believe that there was still a chance. Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional. 

         I promise the delusion is gone after this last date. This date was going great up until the last 5 minutes. I think the last 5 minutes define the date so I have been trying to pay closer attention to these last few minutes. The whole night he was being honest and sweet and I had no complaints. And nothing major happened tonight during those crucial last few moments. Nothing good. Nothing bad. But I knew he wasn't the guy for me. He said goodnight and I shut my door. And I cried. I wanted us to click so badly.

           I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. I hit my head against the cabinet and tears poured down my face. He did nothing to make me upset all night. It wasn't even his fault. He will probably never know what happened after he left. I felt really down about myself. And the reason I felt this way is simple. Because nothing bad happen. I wish he would have been a jerk and treated me poorly and then I could hate him and never think of him again. I figured there must be something wrong with me. This is how I was feeling as I sat on my kitchen floor weeping to myself. 

           I took a while but I got up off the floor and did what I always do when I am upset. I called my mom. I told her about the date and she listened. She told me I was over analyzing the situation and that I am gorgeous and that if he doesn't call me, he is the one missing out. 

      I cried a lot that night but I feel better.  I really want to remember the way I felt sitting on my kitchen floor that night though. I want to remember that moment because it has been a big part of my journey post divorce. The moment I realized this chapter of my life is going to be an adventure that some days I will not want to be on. I want to remember this because one day I am going to meet a guy who will never make me feel second rate. And everything will "click". Then what I felt then will have been justified. It will have been worth the crazy adventure because it led me to meeting "him". 

            So I'll be fine. Just not today. 

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  1. Your Mom is right. You ARE beautiful and someday you will meet the right guy. It is all in God's timing! You really ARE so beautiful!

  2. Oh Taylor honey, my heart aches for you when I think of you going through all this. It is all part of the journey but it is one of the hardest parts of all. Dating again and learning to trust your instincts after a divorce is quite simply heart-wrenchingly hard! Sweetie you SO need to be more gentle with yourself and as for ''the curse'', it might be that because you are thinking this way you are drawing those men who ''SIMPLY DON'T DESERVE YOU, YOU GORGEOUS WOMAN''. Try to put this feeling of being cursed into a drawer at the back of your head. I do this with thoughts that make me feel really down on myself:
    Firstly I let the thought become very strong inside my head, then I shove it hard into the drawer and slam the drawer shut (figuratively inside my head). After that every time the drawer starts to open and the thought tries to sneak back out I re-slam it shut. Sometimes I have to slam that drawer mega times a day but it does work!
    Take each date as it comes and be gentle with yourself, try not to over-analyze (I do that heaps too) and just ''be'' in each moment of each date. The right man will come along when he's meant to. Lots of love and hugs with huge supportive smiles