Thursday, August 29, 2013

Just Divorced

      

       Today has been a strange day. I had to met with my ex so he could sign some paperwork for me. I thought it would be a quick meeting, some papers would be signed and then we would go on with our day. I really wasn't worried about seeing him and didn't think it would be a big deal. We met and I asked how his family was and he asked about mine. And we ended catching up for a bit. 

       I noticed we had been talking a while and he all the sudden seemed a bit nervous. I could tell there was something he needed to get off his chest. "So I have read your blog." It had never crossed my mind that he would read it. I should have because you know gossip travels like lighting. He expressed to me his thoughts on it and his families thoughts. The thing he asked is why now. Why was I making all my thoughts and feeling public now. I didn't do a great job of explaining this when I started this so I will explain now. 

        The past year I have kept many journals. Whenever I couldn't handle something I would write about it. If I have learned anything in the past year it is that my divorce is my baggage that I will always carry with me. My divorce has effected most decisions I have made. And I wrote my thoughts and feelings down the whole time. So most of the posts are journal entries that I have adapted. I choose to share it now because it has been a year and I felt like enough time had past and I was ready to share my experiences. I was hoping people who were judgmental towards me might better understand better. 

       We ended up talking for quite a while. He told me how he found out through the grape vine about my blog and how when he first read it that he was upset that I was bringing up old history. I understood completely where he was coming from and we talked about it. I just want to clarify again why I write. I write because I felt so alone at times I would have loved to hear someone else's story. I write because it is very therapeutic to me. Not all my posts are going to be about divorce but my divorce is apart of me so I will continue to write about it.  

Mainly this is why I write: 




This is why I write and I am not stopping anytime soon.






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Monday, August 26, 2013

Dear 3 am.....

Dear 3 am, we have got to stop meeting this way!


         Don't you hate when your trying to sleep and your brain won't stop talking to you. Seems like more and more lately my brain is like "One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Old McDonald had a farm, Heeeey Mararena!" (Thanks Pintrest for the funny quote!) I will be laying in bed ready to go to sleep and BANG an idea hits me. I start to write and before I know it is 3 am and another blog post is written. 

       I will say this though, I write much better during these late hour nights. I think when I haven't had a lot of asleep I am more honest in my writing. I really liked this quote I found by Catherine O'Hara.


When the whole world is asleep and it is just me and my computer I get to tell my story. I love my sleep but I enjoy the moments when I get to share what I have been feeling in my heart.


I really want to take the time to thank everyone who has been reading. I have received many emails and messages filled with love and support. 




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Thank You for your Support!


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Lessons Learned..... Part Two

    Before you read this post I would suggest reading Part One. Yesterday I shared the lessons learned from my divorce. Today I am going to share the things I have learned about marriage. 


Lessons Learned about Marriage



    Before I get into the list I just want to say I am not an expert. Obviously my marriage didn't work out. You might disagree with some of this and that is okay. This is what I have found to be true in my life. 

1. Choosing who you marry is the most important decisions you will ever make. The person you marry is going to be by your side for the next 50 years. They are going to be there for the highs and lows in your life. You need to be able to trust this person with your whole heart. 


2. Marriage is hard work. I don't know how many people told me before I got married that marriage was hard but I still didn't believe them! Boy did I learn fast. Marriage is the toughest job you will ever have.  

3. One of the most important things you can do in a marriage is pray together. Praying together will not only bring you closer to your spouses but also invite God into your marriage. Marriage is an eternal blessing so with gods help you get get through the tougher parts of life. 

4. Most fights are stupid. I think when you fight with your spouse a lot of the time you are fighting over the little things. I was told once that arguments are like a fire. You are constantly trying to put out the smoke instead of dealing with the fire itself. 

4.The most important phrase in marriage is I Love You. You can never ever in a million years say this to many times. 

5. The second most important phrase in marriage is I am Sorry. And sometimes saying sorry when you don't think you did anything wrong. Whether your right or wrong saying sorry is important. 

6. Money causes a lot of fights. Whether you have a little or a lot money will cause fights. Being financially stable is a good thing but it is silly to argue over money. 

7. Date nights, deep conversations, and taking trips together will make you closer. You need to get off the couch and out of the house sometimes. Don't become the couple that never leaves the house and is constantly in front of the TV or computer. Take time and spend it with each other having fun. 



8. Communication is key. If your not talking your not growing together. Even the little stuff is important like asking how your spouses day went. If you can't talk about the small things how will you be able to talk about the big things.

9. Do not let anger dominate your relationship. Anger causes problems. You need to let go of the anger and learn to forgive. If your holding a grudge or are angry over something that happened in the past you won't be able to move forward in your marriage. 

10. It's worth it. Being married to your best friend is worth it. Even when your fighting amd really don't like each other, you will still love each other. At the end of the day you have each other by your side always. Marriage is a beautiful thing. 



       I look forward to the day when I will fight with my hubby over the dishes in the sink and how he won't put the lid on the tooth paste. I am excited for the long nights just talking and  laughing. I can't wait to start a family and enjoy our happily ever after together. I view dating  so much differently then before my first marriage. I am looking for a partner. Someone who is going to make my burdens lighter so I can do the same for him. We will be equal in all aspects of our marriage. I am grateful for the lessons I learned being married and that I can take those into my next one whenever that may be. 





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Friday, August 23, 2013

Lessons Learned...... Part One

         I was speaking with someone about my divorce recently and he asked me what I had learned from my divorce. This question sparked a lot of emotions in me. I have thought about this before but had never sat down and listed the things I have learned. As I started doing just that I realized what he asked was really a two part question. This is how I broke it down:

1- What lessons have I learned from my divorce?

and 

2 - What lessons have I learned about marriage?

   
So today I am going to start with part one of the question. 

Lessons Learned from my Divorce



1. Being lonely is better then being miserable together. I had many times in my marriage I just felt so miserable. Even though being lonely is horrible it is better then feeling hopeless in my marriage. 

2. Today's test is tomorrows testimony. I truly feel I had learned so much from the past years experiences and am grateful for the things I have learned. 

3. Everyone has pain in their lives. I'd rather inspire others then dwell on my own pain. Especially though this blog and all the wonderful emails I have received of people sharing their stories  with me. There are so many are in need of love and support. I am so humbled that so many people are able to relate to my experiences and understand the pain I went through. 



4. Divorce gave me the motivation for personal growth and change in my own life. My divorce really made me take a look at my own life and see what need to change and be fixed. I feel like I am a different person today then 12 months ago. Personally I am proud of myself and the changes I have made. 

5. Just because I asked for the divorce didn't make it easier. People ask me all the time why the divorce was so hard even though I was the one who eventually asked for the divorce. I never wanted a divorce and unless you have been through one do you know how hard it is. 




6. Gratitude. I really learned about gratitude. I am so thankful for everything that has been given to me. I truly see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life everyday.

7.Who really care about me. It was amazing to see the people who stepped up to help me when I was going through this trial. I am was also shocked to see people who I thought were my friends disappear. 

8.  Not to care what people think. I was really concerned about what people would think of me. I married at the young age of 19 and then divorced three years later. At one point I had to stop worry about other people and just worry about me and what was best for my life. I was judged by a lot for my decisions but it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is how I feel about it. 

9. Self Worth. I can't put into words how low I felt about myself. Someone said to me at one point that it was too bad that I was "Used Goods" now. I was so hurt. I felt like dirt. It took time but I know I am worth a whole lot more then just dirt. 

10. I am stronger then I thought possible. I am grateful for this challenge in my life. I am much happier then ever before. I am a strong woman and I know how to stand on my own two feet. I feel like I can take anything on. I know I will have other trials in my life but I know I can make it though anything. 



Tomorrow look for Part Two:
Lessons Learned about Marriage



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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Love Story





       My little sister is married! And she made the most gorgeous bride. Devan and Gentry were married on May 21, 2013. I am so happy for these two. Devan is truly a wonderful man. I love when I catch him looking at Gentry and I can see all the love he holds for her. Their wedding day was so beautiful. Gentry had a vision for her wedding that she wanted and she pulled it off perfectly. If you want to see some more photos head to her blog and check them out. It was a great day. 

        These two are wonderful examples of soul mates. I love how completely perfect they are together. Devan calms Gent down in a way I didn't know was possible until she met him. And Gentry brings out a side of Devan that is fun and playful. Like every couple they do fight sometimes but I know these two are going to grow grey and old watching their grand babies grow up.  I was honored to be apart of their wedding day when Gentry asked me to be a Bridesmaid and her Maid of Honor.

       In the weeks leading up to her wedding Gentry moved in with me for about a month. My house became wedding central. There was stuff everywhere! Flowers and ribbons and paper and pictures. We would stay up late working on projects and talking about life. I truly treasure these weeks with Gentry. We became even closer as sisters. Quickly though the wedding was upon us. 

          I was so excited for Gent to be getting married! Gentry and Devan were married in the LDS Temple in Draper, Utah. In the LDS church when a couple is married in the temple they are sealed for Time and All Eternity. It is a very sacred ceremony. Me and my other sister McKay, who was also a bridesmaid, arrived at the temple about 30 minutes before the ceremony was to take place. We walked into the temple and were shown into a waiting room until closer to the sealing.

         In the waiting room it was quiet and peaceful. Both families were there waiting to be shown into the Sealing room. You could feel the love in the room for Devan and Gentry. My mom was crying already and there was a smile on every face. Soon the ceremony took place. I remember walking into the room and seeing Gentry. She looked so beautiful but even more then her outside beauty I could see her inside beauty radiating. 

        In preparing for this day I never in a million years thought it would be anything but a happy day. And it was! It also was a hard day. As a sat next to McKay watching my sister marry the love of her life I felt a huge pain in my heart. I didn't realize it until I was sitting in that room that this was the first wedding I had been to since my divorce. As a sat there listening to the words that were being said I couldn't help but think back three years to when I was being married.

       I was so happy for them but my heart was breaking. I was a mess. I started balling and could barely keep it in. I was trying so hard to not let Gentry see me so upset. McKay was holding my hand. She understood what I was feeling. I thought of my failed marriage. I want this for myself. I want to be married to the love of my life and start a family. I was very jealous of Gentry for a minute. It was so hard knowing I had EXACTLY what I always wanted but lost it. I wanted what Gentry and Devan had but for some reason it didn't work out the first time. 

       At the reception later that night I cried again when Gentry danced with my dad and then her first dance with Devan as husband and wife. I cried when I watched their wedding video that had been made for them. I cried when he told her how much he loved her. It all just reminded me of photo albums I have tried to forgot about of my wedding day. The majority of that day was wonderful. We danced and laughed and had a great time. There was only a handful of moments that were hard. A few people noticed how I had been crying randomly throughout the day. I didn't want anyone to worry about me since it was Gentry's day but I was shown so much love and support that day.

     So thank you to my uncle Jim. Your words meant so much to me. Thank you Amy, TC, and McKay. You were there for me the entire day. You ladies seemed to know exactly when I needed a hug or a kind word. Also thanks to my Mom for being my biggest support system.

      I don't have any doubt that someday I will have another wedding but this time it will be the one that lasts. I don't know when it will happen and I don't know who the groom will be but I do know that it will be different this next time. There isn't any rush either. I am going to get my love story and it has a happily ever after this time. 


Congrats Gentry and Devan on starting your life together! I love you both!

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Sunday, August 18, 2013

I'll be fine. Just not today.

           

We all have days like this. 
And I had one recently.

     I tend to over analyze everything. I do it a lot. But tonight I am frustrated. Being divorced and starting to date again has been hard. I remember my first date after my divorce was final. I was so nervous. I was shaking in my boots. My mom was trying to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be okay. It worked and that date went fine. 
         
           That first date is a story for another day though. The only reason I mention it is just to show that I made it through that date. Since then dating has still been hard but it has gotten easier. I still get just as nervous every time. When a date is coming to pick me up for the 30 minutes before he is supposed to pick me up, you will find me pacing back and forth and checking the mirror a thousand times to make sure everything looks just right. Basically I have a mini panic attack. Totally embarrassing and I am glad no one has to see it but myself. 
          
         Now I have had some pretty amazing dates in the past few months. I also have had some horrible ones. One thing I can tell you for certain though is I have horrible taste in men. I go out with a lot of liars. Usually I don't find this out til the second or third date though. I think I am cursed. The only reason I bring up my "Curse" is because it struck again tonight. But for another reason. 

          This last date nothing went wrong but also nothing went right. And I know I won't be hearing from him again. I just  know and I hate it. That's why I am frustrated. This guy was so great. On our first date he was so sweet and he made me laugh. We were also was able to talk seriously about important things. Not to mention I found him very good looking. I left that date hoping he would ask me out again. He did and I was excited. 

          Soon we were going out for a second time. I tried not to get my hopes up for this one though being cursed as I am. Up until this point the "Curse" has struck multiple times. I am not joking. For some reason these guys I meet feel the need to lie about the silliest things or something else goes horribly wrong. The worst part is I still want them to call me. I want to believe that there was still a chance. Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional. 

         I promise the delusion is gone after this last date. This date was going great up until the last 5 minutes. I think the last 5 minutes define the date so I have been trying to pay closer attention to these last few minutes. The whole night he was being honest and sweet and I had no complaints. And nothing major happened tonight during those crucial last few moments. Nothing good. Nothing bad. But I knew he wasn't the guy for me. He said goodnight and I shut my door. And I cried. I wanted us to click so badly.

           I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. I hit my head against the cabinet and tears poured down my face. He did nothing to make me upset all night. It wasn't even his fault. He will probably never know what happened after he left. I felt really down about myself. And the reason I felt this way is simple. Because nothing bad happen. I wish he would have been a jerk and treated me poorly and then I could hate him and never think of him again. I figured there must be something wrong with me. This is how I was feeling as I sat on my kitchen floor weeping to myself. 

           I took a while but I got up off the floor and did what I always do when I am upset. I called my mom. I told her about the date and she listened. She told me I was over analyzing the situation and that I am gorgeous and that if he doesn't call me, he is the one missing out. 

      I cried a lot that night but I feel better.  I really want to remember the way I felt sitting on my kitchen floor that night though. I want to remember that moment because it has been a big part of my journey post divorce. The moment I realized this chapter of my life is going to be an adventure that some days I will not want to be on. I want to remember this because one day I am going to meet a guy who will never make me feel second rate. And everything will "click". Then what I felt then will have been justified. It will have been worth the crazy adventure because it led me to meeting "him". 


            So I'll be fine. Just not today. 


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Friday, August 16, 2013

Brave


           


      When I decided to start writing I knew that I really wanted to do it in the form of a blog. I wanted to share what I was feeling because many times I felt so alone going through the divorce. I wanted to be there for someone else though my blog. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk sometimes. More then once I thought to myself that I was the only person in the world who had ever felt like their world was ending and no one understood what I feeling. Luckily I did have a great friend who had been through a divorce and I could talk to but her. I remember asking her things like what she did with the wedding photos and how she managed her emotions during her divorce.  I also could talk to my parents. But most days I just felt alone. 

         I was very apprehensive when I decided this is how I wanted to write out my thoughts. I was worried my ex and his family would read my thoughts and think I was out of line. I was nervous I would be judged on how I handled certain situations. I was anxious that no one would read anything I wrote. I was certain everyone who read it was going to tell me that I was a horrible writer and I should stop before anyone else could read my blog. Greater then any of the those fears though I wanted to share my story.  That if anyone in a similar situation as mine read my words that they would be comforted and not feel so alone. 

       Writing those first couple posts was hard. I spent hours on them. Writing and rewriting them. Making sure they were perfect. A couple of times I wanted to pull the plug and just delete everything I had written because of the knots in my stomach. As I was typing late one night I was listening to some music and the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles came on. 


"Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"



         This line spoke to me. I had to be brave and write from my heart. I had to be honest about my feelings. And I started fresh from the begining.  And I wrote until I felt I said exactly what I wanted to say. Then I knew it was time to share it. The second the first post went live I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. The next couple days were crazy! I couldn't believe my blog stats. So many people were reading and were contacting me. I received many emails and texts with very sweet messages about what I had written. It meant the world to me that what I had written had been well received. I am so grateful for everyone who has been apart of all of this. Honestly your support has meant the world to me and I want to thank everyone for reading! 

 
        Now every time I am writing a post I turn on a playlist with music that inspires me. "Brave" is on that list. Watch the music video and listen to the song and feel inspired to do something Brave in your life! 




Lyrics to "Brave" by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

And they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you 


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Monday, August 12, 2013

Most Embarrassing......

         Wow! My last few posts have been very serious and borderline depressing. I promise I will try and shakes things up and keep it light hearted around here. Not all my posts are going to be about my journey through my divorce. Just some. And this isn't one of them. 

        Today I am sharing a story that happened long ago before I was married. It is a story I have grown to love! I consider it the most embarrassing moment of my life. Truly it has become a highlight of my time in Oregon. It is the story I share when I want to shock and wow. And I always have an answer when people ask what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I always get a great response after telling it. So for your enjoyment here is that story! 



         The year 2008. I am barely 18 and living in Oregon after graduating high school and being so mad at my parents I wanted to nothing to do with them. So I moved to out of the state. This hands down is one the greatest decisions I have ever made. Dying my hair brown however was one of the worst! 









          During the short time I lived there I met my best friends, grew up a lot and learned a lot of lessons. I do wish I was in more photos instead of the one behind it. You can ask all my friends, I was always the one taking photos. I do wish I had more pictures with me in them. 

         Moving to Oregon helped make me the person I am today. I have lots of amazing stories of my time there but this story is about a boy. A boy I had a huge crush on. And he kinda liked me back. I really don't know any other way to put it. We would hang out. He would make the long half an hour drive to see me at at night which none of my other friends would do. And he was really good at cuddling. We even kissed a few times. 

         It was very complicated though. I had never really been in a serious post-high-school relationship and I think I came on a little strong.  We weren't officially dating but I remember being with some friends and a random girl came up to me and asked if I was dating said boy. I had no idea how she knew that and I didn't know how to answer so I told her we were just hanging out a lot. 

         There is something you should know about me. When I fall I fall hard. And even though I had no idea what we were I was falling hard for him in a short period of time. Hey I was young so give me a break! And then the fateful night happened. The night that would become the most embarrassing moment of my life thus far. We were at a party which I was in charge of and had been running around like a crazy person organizing all night. I finally had a bit of down time so I went into the kitchen. My best friend Summer was in there along with about 20 other people. Now this was a small kitchen. If one person said something everyone could hear it. 

         And queue lover boy. I was so excited to see him. He came up and gave me a hug and said words no one wants to hear. "I think we need to have a talk." Of course the whole room got a bit less noisy   He then said the line that would become the highlight of many girls nights with my friends. "Taylor kissing you is awkward and uncomfortable. " And everyone heard him say this. Everyone. 

        I was shocked and didn't know what to say. He said a bunch of other stuff but I didn't process any of it. I just kept repeating that first line in my head. Awkward and uncomfortable. Me? I told him I understood and then said there was something I need to "check on" and left the room. I have great friends though. 4 of them pulled me into a empty room and let me cry on their shoulders for a hour. I was so embarrassed! I just was humiliated in a room FULL of my friends. They all heard the whole messy thing. 

        My eyes were red and puffy and then the door opened and guess who was on the other side. He asked if we could go for a drive and talk. I wanted answers so I said yes and followed him outside. We got in the car and he took my hand. I think we mainly drove in silence. He tired to explain what he was feeling. Sadly I knew I would never get over his words. The next Sunday at church everyone knew what had happened and I got asked about it a lot. I was pretty mortified. 

           Obviously things did not work out with him. But I want to thank him. I love this story. I laugh when I tell it and can't help but smile. It is so bad, it is good. All my friends know him by name and refer to this all the time. It has become a running joke. They tease me all the time about how awkward and uncomfortable I am. I often wonder if this boy knows I still talk about him and his epic one liner. Does he know that he is famous in my little circle of friends. I am sure he doesn't know I am writing a whole blog post about him!

           So if your reading this now and you are the boy who broke my young heart, congrats! And thanks for the laughs and shocked faces I get when I tell this story and for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable!  


It really is a great story.       




If you have a great embarrassing story please leave a comment below with your story! 



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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Good Day Vs Bad Days






One of these things is not like the other! 
Can you tell which of these pictures were taken on bad days and which were taken on good? 

Probably not.
All of these photos have been taken in the past year.

           The first photo was taken a year ago on my birthday. It wasn't a good day but it wasn't bad. Me and Spencer had only decided about three weeks prior to get a divorce. We had been through marriage counseling, talking with parents, and him moving out before that time. The decision was made and it didn't make me feel any better.  And this birthday was hard. 

        At this point I really hated myself. I hide it from my family but I was depressed. I felt rejected. And ugly. And like "used merchandise". I think the only people who knew a little bit were my mom and Gentry. Gent insisted on me going to my dads and having a little party. We had cake and went for a late night swim. For a few hours I felt good. I treasure this night. It was a happy night in the middle of a lot of bad nights.

              The second photo was taken a happy day. It was December right before Christmas. Nothing major happened. But this was one of the first days I didn't think about the divorce. I love the song  A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. I really connect to this song and it became my anthem during those first couple months. Everyday I got a little bit stronger. And I don't think it has stopped. Everyday I keep growing and keeping getting better. Some days are still hard. I cry sometimes. But those days are few and far between. And this day in December was the start of a lot of great days. 

           Which leaves only the last photo. This was taken on a really bad day shortly after my birthday. Mean words had been said to me. I felt like dirt. I cried a lot this day. I stayed in bed and just wanted the bed to eat me up so I would never have to face the world again. My mom called me and told me to get up and get dressed. I didn't want too but did anyways. She took me shopping and to dinner. We talked and at one point I started crying again. Luckily we took this photo before I ruined my makeup! This was a miserable day. But you couldn't tell from the picture could you. 

         I really only remember this is a bad day because of what happened the day after. Me and Spencer's family were really close when we were married. I knew that we wouldn't stay friends but I honestly thought we could be civil about things. I was wrong. and this was my first clue. The day after I got this message. I had emailed one of his sister asking if she was upset with me.

"You didn't do anything. I was just seeing all your posts and it's great that you are moving on and I'm glad you are happy. But it's hard for me to see you happy and see my brother still hurting. He is moving on too, just not nearly as quickly. It's just hard to keep a clear head and not let my emotions get the best of me when I see you moving on so easily. I'm sorry if you are hurt. That's not what I want. I just have to do what's best for me right now."



She was talking about that third photo. I looked too happy.



          When I got this message I was so hurt. I was upset and I called Spencer. Not one of my finest moments. I asked him if that is what he thought also because it wasn't true. I was miserable!  I was probably more upset then I should have been. I overreacted. I was just so mad at being judge like that. How dare someone tell me I am "moving on" too quickly. I wasn't going to post on Facebook every time I had a bad day. I didn't want people to see how weak I was. I only posted the good moments. And I am proud of myself. I could have said hateful things but instead chose not too. 

           I cried many tears over losing my second family. I loved my nieces and nephews. I considered Spencer's sister some of my best friends. I looked up to his mother and how strong she was. And getting that message stung like a bee. It hurt but it also did something I wasn't excepting. It helped me let go of them. I still read their blogs and check on Facebook to see if they are doing well but I don't cry over losing them anymore. 



My point in writing this post is simple. Don't judge. You don't know the whole story. Your only seeing a small "picture".  You haven't walked a mile in any ones shoes. And be kind to everyone because you don't know what they are feeling or thinking. 


And I end this post with a good day. 




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Thursday, August 8, 2013

Age and Status


19 and Married. 

      I look back on my wedding photos and I can't believe I was only 19. In my head at the time I felt so grown up. I was in love and I couldn't wait to marry this boy who was my world. It didn't matter that my parents begged me to wait or that the two of us fought so much. All you need is love and you can get through anything right? 

     Wrong. Dead wrong. I was newlywed and had a lot to learn. And I learned it fast. Sometimes it was good and sometimes were bad. But not every moment of my marriage was bad. In fact there was a lot to love. Sometimes the good stuff outweighed the bad. And other times the bad outweighed the good. But 2 1/2 years after the day I married that boy I loved so much we were talking about divorce. And it wasn't the first time. 

      Now I could go into the details of making this decision and the reasons behind it but I am not going to. It was a decision I prayed about fervently  many times. After many trips to the marriage counselor, talking with our parents, and fighting to keep a marriage alive it was time to make a decision. This was the toughest choice I have ever made. Ever. 

      I felt like a horrible person. There were parts of my marriage that I couldn't tell anyone about. Reasons I wanted out of my marriage but I knew that I couldn't share them with anyone but my close family. And because of this I was worried about what people would say. I couldn't tell them the reasons why I made my decision. I dreaded the day when it became public knowledge about my divorce. 

        But that day came. Even though I couldn't share anything specific about the divorce my mom wrote a little something up to explain what was going on. I was so nervous. I did not expect that outpouring of love and support I received. I did expect the judgement and talking about me behind my back but it was much less then what I had originally thought it would be. 

       It has now been a year since that day I started telling people about my divorce. And what a crazy year it has been and here I am now. 

23 and Divorced. 

And slowly moving forward. 


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